This blog contains opinions, experiences, thoughts and observations of the author from his day to day living.
It is subject to comments, criticisms and corrections, and all will be dealt with constructively and do leave your comments I would love to hear from you.
There is no intention to offend, discriminate nor degrade anybody or anything for that matter, only shared feelings, emotions and angsts at the moment.
Welcome to my world.

Friday, December 31, 2010

A New Year's Eve Confession

I have a confession to make, I have an addiction.

Shocking right? It's been enslaving me for as far as I can remember. It got me to a lot of situation that is never ok, that sometimes when I am feeling sober or momentarily free from it, it still follows me. It haunts me. It drags me down.

Yes it gives me joy, I am so in need of it that however fleeting, I'll take it.

I need to rehabilitate myself, will not be that easy, but I need to try. I must try for my sake. One thing though, I hope it's not too late, and if it is. I have the rest of my life to make up for it.

I would like to start on a clean slate this year and maybe it would turn out better.
There were many wasted opportunities to do things, but I never pursued them.
I recalled this year's resolutions and none stuck out. I'd only start but never got to finished, not only one but actually a lot and am not proud of it.

I've been trying to find myself, to bring out my inner self for the past several months now. Hoping that it would help but it's a struggle. It's a war between my soul and my ego, a clash between my body and mind, my heart and my addiction. Choosing between God and the Devil. Because of this, everything I do is always under my own scrutiny, my own evaluation, did I do right? did I do wrong? will doing it like this be benefial or should I do it the other way around?

Will the words I say can cause harm? How can I help? How, why, what, where, when!

My spiritual teacher had told me that the path towards the inner self is never easy, and also never hard. One had to only believe and let go of what's holding one back.
To let our soul guide us by tuning into what it is telling us through listening to our hearts. My heart is crying out loud, but I can barely hear it because of my cluttered mind and restless ego. He also told me of a hope, that all these are but a part of breaking down the walls I have built around me, breaking down of a bondage in order to let myself free. Free from this addiction, free from guilt, from my ego-self.

I know I am a good person, in my own definition. I always accept whatever life throws at me without any complains, thinking that I deserve them. If it is something
nice, then I take it as I did good at one point, and if it happens to bring loneliness, dishearten feeling, then I might have done the other.

I think I need some help, this time. I never asked for help. I always rely on myself that I am my own person and that I can handle and control this addiction.
I feel I am living a double life, and it is not right. But first, I need to help myself before I let anyone in. Dig deeper at the roots of this thing that blocks the positive energies from coming. I need to be stronger this time.

I am an addict, am not proud of it. But I accept it as a part of me, that to live through it, and succeed in living without is to find my true self, How I am suppose to be, Who I am, What I am here for, Where I am to be and When it will be.

New Year, brings new hope, new chance and a new start.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.

New Year In Focus

We are about to say goodbye to 2010 and say hello to 2011 and what do we hope for this time? I am pretty sure if we make a list of things to do this coming year, we will end up with a list as same as the one we made at the beginning of this ending year.
Which means, we have not really done what we intended to do this year. Which means, probably we did not do our best, or we did not even bother to follow them. It may mean also that for some reason plans were diverted into other things. Or simply, we wrote them just for the sake of having a list or a resolution.
We plan ahead, but as days pass by, we simply lose track of our goals, intentions and hopes. Life has its way of screwing things up, and letting us fail.
But what will drive us this time? I can only think of some ways like minding our choices.
If we will keep our focus on the things that we wanted to happen in our lives, we just have to keep walking on the path towards it. Yes, there will be times when we lack the drive, the energy or the inspiration, but we should not let our goals slip through our hands. It is ours for the taking, and we can reach it, if we really want it.
I am guilty of this, and yes, it is a cliche to say I told myself this time I'll stick to it, but who knows, maybe I will. There is nothing wrong to keep on trying, even the greatest men failed more than they succeed, but ain't it the sweetest thing when you strive for something and eventually get it?
So this coming year, I had a few, yeah, this time I keep it to a minimum, in my list. We'll see, we will see.

Friday, December 24, 2010

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself. ~Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"

Reminiscing The Good Old Days

My cousin Maureen posted some by-gone pictures of ours when we were just little kids and every cousin and a couple of aunties joined in the barrage of comments to each pictures posted.

We were reminiscing about the times when we were always together at family gatherings, specially Christmas. Our parents would make it a point that Christmas is always about the family, with the family and for the family. They were right, the bonds created by us cousins I believe were so unbreakable that until today, whenever we chat, it's like we just picked up on where we left the last time.

We were so close. But time flies quickly without us feeling it sometimes. We find ourselves now all grown up and live different lives. Separated by thousands of miles and great oceans and thinking about it I sometimes wish we were not.

But thanks to a social-network program like FB, distances simply become just like the next door. My cousins and I suddenly talk again and about a lot of things, grown up things? You wish! We talk about our childhood so often that it triggers memories like an opened dam and we look back with smiles and laughters, some heartstrings were pulled, we're happy and we're lucky to have doting parents and Aunts and Uncles who spoiled us!

I read somewhere that to get to your future you must remember the past, or something like that. We had a great past as kids, somewhere along the way we need to grown up, but we will always be those little kids who just play around and our Aunts and Uncles little angels, in our hearts.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

No Spare

Coming to terms with what might have been,
Scares the life out of me.
But knowing that what could have been,
Would be life I have yet to see.

Sometimes I get so careless.
But I cannot simply stop
Often I am aware but nevertheless
I let myself drop.

Do you know what I am saying?
Would anybody even care?

I may be living without knowing
I have only this life and with no spare.

More Patience and More Participation

I read one of my closests friend's Facebook post about some of her Visionboard dreams coming true. She had influenced me to create my own dreams and upon looking at them, hanging on the wall, framed and for me see everyday, I got a little sad but at the same time hopeful still.

With the many pictures there, I think most of them hadn't materialized yet. Although, in all honesty I am working on it, like the dream of having a better physique which I am doing everyday. Trying to have fun at work at the same time look for challenges to keep me motivated. Simply being happy. Well, the simple things. But the big dreams seemed a bit far. But I am still hopeful that in time, when the universe starts to work it's synchronocity in my life, everything will fall into place, everything will start to come true and everything in its perfect timing.

Also, I gave myself a reality check, maybe I am not giving my 100% participation, cause in order for all these to come into reality I must do my part by giving generously, loving in all honesty, living life and leaving no room for any negativities.

They say patience is a virtue and we were never really promised a rose garden, so we had to work on it. I am determined to work on it. It's just a matter of time.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Michael Buble` - Home

It is the season to be jolly, but I cannot truly feel the atmosphere of love and joy when I am so far from my family, my home, this Christmas time.

The sacrifice an OFW had to make just to give their loved-ones the life they deserve. I will be missing Christmas again this year with my family and friends, nevertheless, they'll always be with me, in my heart.

This song, aptly named HOME sang by a great singer Michael Buble, most probably sums up all the OFWs feel and those who are far away from home this Christmas. I know I did.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Where Are You Christmas?

Where are you Christmas?
Why can't I find you? Why have you gone away...
Where is that laughter you used to greet me
Why can't I hear music play..

It is the month of joy and laughters and gift giving, and yes I should be festive.
But in a country where it is not celebrated and when caught could land you in jail
how do we really get to feel the spirit? Yes it is cold, winter winds send chills all over...but where are the trimmings? Where are the music? Red and greens, dazzling lights, everyone's excitement and looking forward to parties and endless barrage of festivites?

Not here, I am not procratinating, I am just feeling a little empty. I used to love it when December comes, when I was very young. I get to have new clothes, new toys, I get to see and be with my cousins and overstuffing ourselves with food prepares by our mothers and aunts.

As I grow older, I get to lose that spirit.
I get more serious. My work fill most of my waking moments.
Right now am trying to find my purpose in life and what I needed to do, which makes me lose it really and then I heard this song "Where Are You Christmas" by Faith Hill and it struck me deep.

I told myself, hey, it is exactly what I am feeling.

My world is changing
I'm rearranging,
Does that mean Christmas
Changes too..

I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you had let me go...

And I find myself crying once again. I searched deep inside and think about what Christmas really is all about, sounds a cliche' but I realized that the memories I had enjoying Christmas as a child never did left me. It is here inside my heart.
I can always go back into that moment and relive it in me.

I can always feel the joy and love I had each childhood Christmas I had, and that's the most important thing.

Amidst the culture and the loneliness I feel here in the Middle East away from every loved one I have, they will always be near, and I just need to close my eyes and see them in my mind and my heart will do the rest.

So finding myself does not mean losing some of those feelings and memories of the past. These can be our guide that as life unfolds itself, joy and happiness does not really leave us. Life is not as complicated as it comes, it's all in the mind.

The joy of Christmas, stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart, with love....

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Bumming In Bed

The Four Agreements - Don Miguel Ruiz

I have to have a copy of the book, yet as I read articles and writing pertaining to the book by this great motivational and inspirational author, I began to understand already what it's all about.

He shared his learning on how to live life towards success and happiness (yes, another way of making your life better) by categorizing them in his so-called Four Agreements, which were as follows:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Sounds easy? No it's not but the journey would be worth it. It will need a lot of work, we'll experience a lot of failures and disappointments, but if we stick to each agreement and imbibe each into our daily living, one day at a time, what is a week, a month or a year? When the end result is a better life?

Friday, November 12, 2010

I Came Looking For Love But Got A Fuck Instead

I came looking for love, but got a fuck instead.
I asked for something that I can hold on to
But got some action on my warm white bed.

Is it too much to ask for, I asked my throbbing head.
For someone to love, to hold and to care about?
I am starting to feel like just a piece of bread.

Maybe I should try harder and to not be easily misled,
When someone showed a little affection and maybe more.
Or another broken heart, when the last had not yet mend.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Difference Between the Life We Live and Living a Life

We may think that we are living the "ideal" life, doing the things we "think" we are supposed to do, or acquired to do, or better yet, forced to do. We may "think" that having that much amount of money in our accounts, big house, a car, a stable job and things you can have is the perfect life.

To some, maybe, to many, a dream, but to a few, it's another story.

Yesterday I was asked about my future by my Sudani colleague at work. The conversation goes a little like this:

"Do you save?" Out of the blue, he asked.
"Save what?" I answered.
"For your future, do you save enough money for your future?"
"Why? Why do I need to save?"
"Of course, so that you can buy a house, a car, or go travel. Be secure."
"Why do I need those?"
by this time, my colleague looks a bit puzzled.
"You don't need those? When you grow old what will you do?"
I said, "I will sit down on a corner and read a book."
"What? Just read a book? How about your children, when you have children, how you will send them to school."
"Of course, I will send them to school, feed them, buy them things they need, but I am not thinking about it now."

It's his turn now to ask the questions, "Why?"
"You see, I try not to worry about the future, cause we have no idea what our future is. We can die today, or tomorrow, who knows? What I am worrying about is today because my future will depend on what I do today, now. If I do good today, then tomorrow will be better, I will wake up tomorrow feeling good knowing that I did good yesterday."

"What you mean, I don't understand."
"It's just like this, my friend, I don't worry about my future, simply because I know my future will ok, that's all I need to know. I don't save because I know I will be provided for."

"By who?"
"By Allah."
"Oh yes, Allah will be providing you."
he said, "but still, that's not how it works."
"Haha, this will not end Habibi, rest assured, I will be fine."
"Ok. You don't want to be rich?"
"I am rich, not with money, but with love.

"Yes, my friend, I am rich, I have my family, my friends, I have good health, I have work, I have air to breath, I can see and hear you. I am blessed, what else do I need?"
He looks so puzzled and maybe he does really not understand what I am talking about. But I am not being philosophical, I think I just answered his questions the way I am viewing my life today. Don't get me wrong, I do get worried, but I readily brush the thoughts and feelings aside. I just say a little prayer and live it all to God, the Universe, the Spirit to take care of the rest.

I am in constant battle between the life I live and the life I am suppose to be living. What kind of life is that? One that is always happy and at peace with anyone and the world. How is that, that is impossible?! No it is not, it's just a matter of turning the mind to the basic things, clearing the mind of worries and woes, looking at things on different perspective and simply find joy in all you do.

The world is already too messed up to contribute more into it. Life is simple and short to have too many hang ups and worries. We are rich and blessed with so much things that we take this for granted. We always look at the big picture when the small things are the things the matters most.

We are always vigilant with the things we can have, we can get, we can obtain, and not too much on what we can give, share and let go.
The universe is calling out loud for a shower of power, strength, peace, joy and love, but only few are able to hear and receive it.
Listen, open your mind and your heart. The key to life's ultimate bliss is inside us. It's always been there, we just have to find how to release it and each of us has our own unique way of finding it.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

The 7 Spiritual Laws of Success

As influenced by my favorite couple Ivy and Benjie, reading inspirational and self-help books has slowly and surely influence my day to day living. It started a great change in me that every morning upon waking up I automatically set my mind and body to the vibration of the universe, say what?. Simply say Thank You, it is a powerful morning mantra that sets up a unique experience throughout the day.

I am not trying become another Gandhi, (but not a bad inspiration) I am just into trying to be a better person. Life is not that really bad despite its ups and downs. It's just a matter of perspective.

I never forget to thank the Universe for the day , regardless of what the outcome will be, I've learn how to control my feelings and emotions, to be aware of the synchronocity and connection to everything around me, be it another human being, an animal even the inanimate objects and the reasons behind each encounter I have with them.

Another book I just read and truly am thankful that I came across was Deepak Chopra's The 7 Laws of Spiritual Success. In his book he tackles the issue of people having hard times livings when we are not suppose to. There is a simplier way of living if we only allow ourselves to act on our potential to be great in whatever we do, and to realize that the power is within us to change our lives, achieve the happiness that we thought had been eluding us and the freedom to be just ourselves.

We are creative beings, and the universe is ours to command, but we don't know how for thousands of reasons, but to simplify it, we are so distracted by the secular world that we forgot about the basics.

Our ancestors sometimes amazes us with their knowledge of the world, they are far more advanced compared to us today in terms of understanding the way of the universe. Why? Because there are no distractons to occupy their daily existence and their lives were much, much simplier.

Each Law represents a part of that is naturally occuring around us. Each act, when imbibed is easy and worth trying. No Law in the book is impossible nor hard to understand. I am trying to practice one Law a day until I get the hang of it and surely something better will come up of it.

Summarizing, the first law is about awareness, if we are aware of the potential of everything, and not to create rift between what is now and what we want to be a now, simpl not judging anythng that occurs and just let it be as it is, we are open to to potentiality. The second law is the about giving, to freely give from the heart that is the true essence of this law. Everyday, we must give anything we can to the universe, to a person to something. Taking are of the environment is one way of giving bac kto the world, a simple compliment or a greeting is giving back to another, a gift can be tangible or non tangible and it does not matter. Third law as everybody is aware of this is the Law of Karma, the cause and effect, whatever we do, we get it back and that is given already. Do good, then good things will happen, do the opposite and you'll get it's effect.

To be defenseless, or try not convince others to your point of view, to let the moment as it is, to keep within yourself that "ego trip" to win an issue for the sake of lifting your self-worth, is what hte fourth law is all about.Remaining open to all kinds of views and not to struggle with the moment. Have you wanted something so bad that if you put your mind to it, eventually you'll have it? Intention and Desire is the fifth law.

The sixth leads to becoming free from attachment, we should not be running after things that are not really that worth going for. Most of the times we simply get too hung up on things, moment, a feeling, a memory that it stagnates our growth spiritually. Remember that these things are all passing, but our lives goes on.

Ever wanted to know your purpose in life? Try these, know your talent, and share it with others, what are you so passionate about that not only creates inner joy to you and to anyone around you? Ask yourself always, "How can I serve?" instead of "What's in it for me?" and you're on way to a blessed life, that's the seventh Law.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Dream Once More

Cold wind blows, lifting the fine red sands.
The moon is waning on the evening sky,
I leave my body and my soul ascends.
I went high, until I can see no more.

Space, above the clouds, above the world,
Where angels roam and dreams soar!
My soul needs a touch, needs an embrace.
Where art thou this blessed soul!

Slowly I descend, and back to my world.
The air still is cool, sands hurt my eyes now.
I turn to go inside the shelter,
Where I will lay and dream once more.

World Peace

Another year is about to end, how time flies, and its been another fruitful year. Though it's a little early to contemplate but this year had been all about learnng about myself and and my inner self.

Meeting a total stranger started it all, that Singapore trip last March was fated and that stranger had awaken my slumbering spirit and move it in a way I am forever grateful.

I am still amazed about the turn of events since that time, add to it the works of amazing positive people in the form of their books like The Secret, How to Win Friends and Influence People, The Power of Now, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, The Power and documentaries based on the studies of Erich Von Daniken and the one called Zeitgeist.

These works had led me to believe that the world and the universe and we, humans were all connected. We are the living testimonies of the amazing culmination of events and energy. We are divine and we have the power and the ability to turn the world around if we only know how to use it and if only more and more people become sensitive enough to the things that are happening around them.

We can do something, and it doesn't matter who we are, where we are or what situation we are in right now, what's important is to start now, and it will begin with just a thought. A change of thinking, and everything will just follow.

Another influencial reading would be the Apocryphal books like The Book of Enoch, The Gospel of Judas and the Gospel of Mary. It is spiritually engaging, reading these books. There were knowledge instore in these writings which to me, clears some of my questions about God, Jesus and the Bible.

I do believe in God, and I of course believe in Jesus and His works. But I am in between any religious affinity.

Working and living in the Middle East, learning about Mohammad, the Prophet gave me a different perspective and outlook towards our Muslim brothers. I learned that the Five Pillars of Islam which is the foundaton of their religion is not far from what Jesus taught. It amazes me that misunderstandings and misinterpretations leads to war and confusion when it is all very simple: LOVE GOD and LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

Man still has a long, long way to go before man reach that level of thinking and a deeper sense of spirituality and a bigger heart, until then we can only hope that one day, WORLD PEACE.

Friday, October 22, 2010

A Friendship Gone Wrong

I had a close male friend.

We've been through , not a lot, but some issues and we worked it out. We share what we have, we laugh, we play, we talk a lot, and I mean A LOT.

He became like a brother to me.

There was a part of his life that he let me in. Matters of the heart.
As he seeks advice and help, being like a big brother, I offered my words of wisdom.
But as I got deeper and deeper into his heart, and not to mention his mind, let's just say I saw it coming, I came to realize that he is not the person I expected him to be.

He became as stranger.

I've learned that he had this dark side of him that is, well, not scary, but conflicted.

He does not know himself at all and what he taught is good is actually not.
Yes, I was there, caught in the middle of it and I tried not to lose myself into losing the guy to his self-generated destruction. I extended my help as deeper as he allowed me to go. I adviced, suggested, brought positivity, supported emotionally and what have you.

And then it dawned on me he felt I overstepped, or I thought I overstepped the boundaries of being a good friend. I started to feel a distance, coldness and silence. See, I am a person who reads the signs, the signals and feel things, these helped me a lot in my day to day existence, but getting back, I didn't wondered why actually. Like what I've mentioned, I already see it coming.

What I thought was brotherly love the guy took it negatively. All the while when I thought he was listening and agreeing with me and helping him get through his life, it was taken negatively. I became the overbearing big brother~! God! I am the bad guy, I am the meddlesome friend who only wanted to show him a better way to live his life. I became all these oddly, with his persmission!

I thought of talking it out with him, but sensing that it will be just one big waste of time, I decided not to.

It HURTS. It does but what else can I do, I did my best to straighten him up, but he still chose to bend. He does not want to see himself through me. He hates it. He doesn't want to be reminded about his undecisiveness, his messed up mind, his lies, his pretentions, his immaturity, his impulsiveness, his outlook in life in general, cause to him, he is a great guy.

And who doesn't think 'bout being great? But great people listened to criticism and turn these into something greater about themselves.

So, what to do? Let him be. Just simply let him be.

It hurts, I am letting it go. He can have his life back, without me in it. We are still friends, but I am not letting myself in again, even if he forces me to.

Just When I Am About To Bear A Grudge

I am feeling a little down today, I just need to let it out, not that I am sulking on the feeling, but I am a bit disappointed and sad. I tried my best to be cool and forget the whole issue. So like everyone else, I posted it on Facebook. Then as a subscriber to "God Wants You To Know" I curiously checked what God do wanted me to know and AMEN, I got an answer, to my surprise, exactly what I needed to know.

Friday, October 15, 2010

The Secret

I went for a brief leave blogging due to a lack of internet connection and also kind of took the time to follow up on my reading, hanging out with close friends amongst other things.

I have recently read this so called The Secret by Rhonda Byrne and it was a very enlightening experience. In the book, the author and a bunch of people who made names and succeeded in their respective careers shared "the secret" to a better life, a great future and lasting happiness. I won't, of course reveal what "the secret" was as I would like you to find out for yourselves, but trust me, you'll never be the same again.

"The Secret" is a book to read regardless where you are in your life right now. It doesn't even matter what age you are too, the important thing is to act on a certain impulse you have that had been kept on hold for a thousand of reasons probably, starting from lack of self-confidence, fear, and what have you.

And it is relatively simple, this secret that is being shared in the book. Consequently, it has a sequel called "The Power" which I have yet to start reading.

We always strive for something better in our lives, finding it hard most times to deal with the coming blows it gives, and no matter how hard we do try, we keep on hitting a brick wall and resigned ourselves to fate, but looking back and knowing "the secret" it was all meant to happen and or not to happen because we are 100% at fault. We willed it and we wanted it to be our lives. Err what, you say?

Our lives and if you review yours, is the product of our constant battle with our thoughts, feelings and instincts. So much that we hardly can focus on what we really want in our lives. We live just to survive our everyday existence that most often we put off our dreams and our aspirations until we forget about it. Too late? No, it is never too late.

According to the book also that we owe it to our selves to be happy, that everything we could ever want is out there for the taking and we only need to want it, really want it to happen in our lives. So we need to stop procrastinating and start to will our thoughts that would make us happy into life. Trust that if we want it, we'll have it. We have the capabilities, we have the power, we are special and we have "the secret" all along. We just need to start using it.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Is Being Good, Bad?

What does it mean to be "good?" Since time immemorial, we are told to be good, and being good sometimes is bad, there were those who were good enough to be called saints only to suffer from the very people they showed their goodness.

We are taught to love one another, but this "love" is more often taken out of context and so sensationalized that the purity of the word get lost in, shall I say definition.

There are many good people around the world but their voices is so small that most often than not they are not heard. People try to reach out, to touch other lives just to make it a little bit better, only to be reciprocated with violence.

Does being good leads to these things really? If so, then it is not good to be good, ain't it?

But why does goodness keep on echoing through time? It keeps on going and keeps on fighting to be alive and strong. Why?

Because after all these pain and suffering, being good is all worth it. It doesn't matter realy how ridiculed one gets from doing something out of the ordinary to make someone's life better, or one's life the least. No matter how strong is the will to do what is harmful, there is always that tiny glint of light deep in the darkest caverns of the heart called goodness, that will always be there to remind us that even the Son of God, amidst all the evils in the world, still chose to be a part of it, live it, and have a taste of it, by laying His life into the hands of the very people He showed goodness with.

One has to try, for it doesn't matter either how many times one gets to commit mistakes as everyone does, but one good deed is enough to start a chain of another good deed. I am one of those who do try, and I must admit, I have more failures that victories, but who's counting? I least I do try.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Farewell Dear Sweet Friend

Farewell dear sweet friend
You've been brave until the very end.
Farewell to the beguiling smiles
We'll miss the twinkle in your eyes.

Once so lovely and so fair
Radiant, full of life, warm as a summer air
Now silent, laughters were no more
As they lay you down to the core.

Farewell to you sweet friend
See you around the so called bend.
Rest in peace forever more
God had called you, now your soul soar.

Be at peace, be at peace,
You've given us a life of bliss.
Farewell to you my dear sweet friend,
Now your journey came to an end.

- To Junaira Casser-Villasis, 1972-2010

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I Love You Because You Are Mine

‎"Since you've been gone, I get confused all the time."
"I miss you so much."
"Me too."
"I love you."
"And why do you love me?"
"I love you because you are mine."
"I love you because you need love."
"I love you too."
"And why do you love me too?"
"I love you because...to understand our love, they'd need to turn the world upside down."
- Do Começo Ao Fim (From Beginning to End)

Friday, August 6, 2010

Amr Diab

They say, "When in Rome, do what the Romans do," and appreciating and actually liking many of the everyday Arabian way of living and their culture is one way of making my life a bit eaier here. From their food to their way with people; their manner of speaking to their friendliness towards another; from their dresses and their strict upholding of lawa nd morality issues.

One in particualr that I am into is their modern music, their going into maintream pop instead of their regular "high-pitched" traditional music. One Egyptian Male Artist who successfully ruled the Middle Eastern music charts and not to mention got into the European scene too, got my attention and became a fan, is Amr Diab. He is like the most successful and most famous singing act in this part of the world.

His songs are a mix of traditional and modern beat, he likes the use of Spanish guitar and Mediterraean instruments that makes the beat very upbeat, modern and danceable. His ballads, though I cannot understand almost all of it, were emotional and sweet.

So much that even J-Lo, Britney, Beyonce, and Pink get to fancy this great guy. Under the sposorship of Pepsi, he had made several commercials with these ladies which opened his music to the Americas. Now, his name and music is reaching global stature and I am sure people will love this guy.

Here is his Pepsi commercial with the song Tameny, which is the song that made me a fan, from his Album Wayah released last 2009.

I only wish I could meet him in person, and with my trip to Cairo, Egypt next month is fast approaching, who knows, I might passed by him in one of my walks around his country.

I Dream Too Much

I heard your voice again today, and memories
Came rushing in, like a crashing wave on the shore
How could I forget, how can I ignore?
When you left that day, it felt like the end of the world.

Too much wishful thinking
I dream too much
How can I not?
When I fell in love.

I asked for the bear, do you still keep it?
You said yes, by your bed and reminds you always
Of me, and I immediately said mine too,
By me bed, and reminds me of you.

Too much wishful thinking.
I dream too much,
How can I not?
When I fell in love.

Give me another year, and I'll be there
You say, I hope so I'll wait as long
As I can, but please hurry, and be sure
I do care about you, I really do.

Too much wishful thinking.
I dream too much.
How can I not?
When I fell in love.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Too Bad

2 AM my mobile phone keeps on ringing, half-awake and half-asleep I reached to my bedside table to check who's the son-of-a-gun that bother others who would like to have a peaceful sleep.

It was someone I know of course, they usually call at this time and even later. Fuckin' horny rabbits! They don't really choose the time of the day (or night) when they are in heat! Oh well, and since my sleep were already broken, I slide the talk button and said hello,

"Ja habibi, qi fak?" said a voice.
"Esh mushkala? Mafi malum hadi belel?" I said, a little irritated.
"He, he! Habibi, maalesh, enta nom?"
"Aiwa, esh hada, ana nom, esh ebka?"
"Ebka enta, habibi?" he said sweetly.
"Alhein? La, ana taban, fi shukol baden sabr!"
"Leh? Min fadlak, habibi, enta miya-miya." he said excitedly.
"La, maalesh, ana taban akid. Baden, enta tisal mumken enta ebka dug-dug!"
"Ha, ha! La, habibi, enta ana habibi!"
"Akid? Enta mafi kwayes!"
"Habibi! Habibi!" said the voice desperately.
"La, mafi jadid, mumken bokra, baden baad bokra! Sa? firmly, I said.
"La, la, la, alhin habibi, kamsa daqiqa bas!" as he pleaded.
"La, maasalam!"
"Lahda, wahida! Min fadlak!"

Then I hung up. I turned on the silent mode and true enough he kept calling and calling as I tried to get back to sleep.
I woke up 6 hours later and my mobile battery is flashing low power and I have more than 70 missed calls from him.
Too bad. (Sigh)

Sunday, August 1, 2010

I Could Have Given In

"Salaam", a voice coming from behind me.
I look back and see a handsome fellow, tall, Arabic, hawk-nosed, curly black hair.
"Malaykum-salaam" I said back.
"Wein enta ro?" he asked.
"Shukol." I replied.
"Esh shukol." and then it dawned on me, why is he asking me.
He's a total stranger, a local, about his early twenties and I shouldn't be talking to him. Stories of set-ups and Mutawas are very much on the rise these days.
But he is persistent and although a bit cocky, he seemed to be friendly, so I go along and at this point he is walking beside me, with me. I thought as long as we're moving, I can always speed up and cross the street to the other side.
"Maktub bas."
"Hmm gareeb."
My curiosity gets the better of me and with a bit of a caution, I asked. "Esh ebka, sadiq?""Mafi, mumken enta ebka sadiq?" he said.
"Liesh? Enta kuwayes?"
"Aiwa, ana kuwayes, miya-miya." and he smiled, I felt slightly weak in the knees.
"Akid?" I smiled back.
"Aiwa, akid. Mumken shoop baden? Shukol mita kalas?"
"Baden belel, saa-saba."
Such conversation would always lead to exchange of numbers and later calls, which would eventually lead to "your guess is as good as mine."
I could have given in.
"Mumken shoop enta, mumken mafi." and winking at him, "Maasalam!"I left him on the other side of the street still looking at me as I head towards the intersection. I could not forget the look on his face, a look of disappointment, but I just smiled back and wave a bit.
Oh, well. (Sigh)

Saturday, July 31, 2010


"I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm your brother. I'm a sinner, I'm a saint, I do not feel ashamed. I'm your hell, I'm your dream, I'm nothing in between...
I'm a bitch, I'm a tease, I'm a god hard on my knees, when you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover, I've been numbed, I'm revived can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way" - Meredith Brooks, Bitch (with a slight change in words to suit the gender, ;)

Intimo by Jay Plogman

A good friend of mine who is a photographer recently published his coffee table book of his collection of male photos. I was surprised to find myself included in the book, of the photos we took about some time ago. I feel so honored and it was a dream come true. Here is the book and you can purchase it at blurb.com, check it out!

Friday, July 30, 2010

Like A Charging Bull

The other night you came, like a charging bull.
No talks, no signs, and you are so sure.
I have no questions nor had any fear
The actions are direct and made very clear.

In a flash you brought me to me knees
Shaking with glory as I take it with ease.
My mind is in hyper speed, my body tense,
Diving into your soul, deep and slow.

The power shifted and before I knew
I was under and weighing the rest of you.
Mad, in passion, like an angry bull
You ravaged like hell and broke my soul.

Another blink and it was all over.
Like after every storm, the silence.
Slowly you came to reality and without a word,
You came and left my crazy little world.

I Don't Want To Survive, I Want To Live

What if death comes knocking at your door and you are caught in your pyjamas? In real life it does come when we least expect it. We are never ready.

What the hell am I talking about?

At this point in my life, I feel like I am still not living it to the fullest. It feels stuck. But in my heart of hearts, the fire of adventure and life is burning endlessly and I am being restless nowadays.

I am compelled to take a risk but there are things that held me back. So I need courage which I lack. How and where would I get this courage, well, there is only one place, I can find it only in my heart and at the moment it is hidden somewhere between fickle-mindedness, attachment and laziness. I really need to wake up.

As another Lunar year ended and another started, a new beginning is on the horizon, and how to begin, or rather what to begin is another question. Or should I just continue what I have already began?

Many moons before I share that being here in this place had its reasons, I think I already found out the reason why, it's probably I was fated to be here in this country to find myself, my true self, in a place where morality and conservatism is being upheld with an iron fist, where most times I am in my room with much time to think and to look back into my life; and it's a roller coaster ride of emotions and feelings that sometimes it felt like I am going crazy. I know I am doing the right thing of knowing myself first and what I want before courage comes in. Before my heart says I am ready and here is the courage for you to take that first step on your journey to real life.

And there is so much to do, so much to see and we all have so little time. Time, yes, what is time really? Isn't it now? That TIMEmoment we call NOW? I am in the NOW, we all are, and we have to live it without pretentions, without fear, with love and with dignity.

At least when death comes knocking at my door it will find me in my travel clothes. I may not live half the life I am dreaming of, but half is not already bad. My life right now is a life of survival, living it just to make ends meet. I don't want to survive, I want to live. I am ready to live.


I can see you from my bedroom window.
Everynight, while doing your nightly routine,
I stand watch, in silence, in awe
Of you, and how the moonlight shine
On your face, making a silhouette,
Ethereal yet real.

I look away when you glance at mine,
Pretending I do not know, I'm not there
That I did not see you, oh how I quiver!
I wonder and I dream as I lay on my pillow
Will there be a day, when I can know,
You feel the same.

Friday, July 23, 2010

"There are only four questions of value in life, Don Octavio. What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same - only love." - Johnny Depp, Don Juan de Marco

I Guess Life Is Short

Nobody died, nor anyone is sick, it's just that in this so-called journey of mine to find my inner self had lead me to expose most of my excess feelings and emotions that I've always try to hide.

Enough of the dramas, enough complaining and bickering. I just had enough of negative feelings and thoughts that it ate much of my energy. I could have directed them to a more useful and productive endeavor.

Life is too short. I was told by my spiritual teacher that all these things that I am going through were part of the process. Until I said enough, then that's the start of another phase, another step in my journey of self discovery. I had to get rid of my excess baggages for the journey to be light.

It is hard, really. But taking it a day at a time, at my own phase, at my own time, is worth every step.

So life is short, and it's a journey, and it never stops.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Until When Can You Give Without Expecting?

As Christians we were taught that Jesus said, "If someone takes your shirt, let him have your coat as well," or something like that. We were told to give more than we receive. To give without expecting, but joy, a feeling of peace and love, of brotherhood and camaraderie.

But until when? I'd say until you're bled dry. Seriously.
Let me share my point of view.
While reading the book A NEW EARTH by Eckhart Tolle, I am enlightened with the fact that we often define ourselves with the things we accumulate. We attached ourselves to many a thing of beauty, gadgetry, aesthetics and identity enhancers that once we are parted from them we most often than not feel helpless, empty, reduced to a nobody. We identify ourselves with most things that makes feel better than anyone else, unique, special, one of a kind. We love to be admired for what we have and unfortunately, not for what we are.

How is that? Let's simply put it this way, you own the latest mobile phone, with all its applications and prestige, you are proud of it, and you feel special. You depend your life on it for communication, schedules, information and what have you. Imagine losing it, imagine how you'd feel? I bet you'll be angry as hell, you'll be cursing and crying your heart out for the lost of the very thing that "defines" you.

Let's say, someone asked you to give it as a gift, are you willing to part from it? Once more,I bet, you won't. Not that we should not be giving, but the very thing that, again, "defines" you, are you willing to give it away? You won't.

Now let me ask you this question, can you realize that you'll have to let go of the phone at some point , perhaps sooner than you know? How long will it take you to be ready to let it go? Will you become less of a person when you give it away? Has YOU been reduced to a lesser degree?

Have you?

Whatever your answer will be depends on how you are attached to the very thing that "defines" you.

Eckhart said "Whenever you completely accept a loss, you go beyond (ego), and who you are." It does not mean we will let people just take whatever they want from us, but instead it simply mean that "sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on."

So to give or not to give, it's all up to you, one can only have an open heart and mind and the sincerity to be able to give without any remorse or regret and most importantly expecting anything in return. Be careful though, cause sometimes being too giving is also another way of "defining" yourself, a way of attracting emphaty so people would praise you, which you "expect" thus losing the "sincerity" of the act.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, " Jesus said, "for theirs will be the kingdom of heaven." - No inner baggages, nothing to hang on to, nothing to be identified with, not with things or any concepts that defines the self, being "poor in spirit." The "kingdom of heaven" is simply that inner joy that brings peace within you that is (always) there when you let go.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


Got a new habit and it's running. I try to run everyday (though there were days that running would be impossible because of the damn sandstorm!) Nevertheless, it has become something to look forward to after work hours.

Aside from relieving stress, I've learn that running has it's benefits as quoted:

"Yet, most serious runners will say their addiction goes beyond the physical benefits they achieve from running. Runners say the intense exhilaration and euphoria that comes after a run is what motivates them most. In fact, this euphoria comes from a betaendorphin release triggered by the neurons in the nervous system. Intended to alleviate the pain after a run, it creates a feeling of extreme happiness and exhilaration. Runners become addicted to this intense high, and it can often replace other addictions to drugs, alcohol, and even food. While runners claim to achieve more energy in daily life from running, it also helps bring appetite, exercise and food into balance. Furthermore, as running makes the body function better, it improves sleep, eating, and relaxation." - http://www.vanderbilt.edu/ans/psychology/health_psychology/running.html

That was a mouthful, eh? But personally, it's a choice to try to stay healthy, in a few years I'd be reaching that age when bodily functions will be at its more vulnerable and working it out now would be the best thing to do.

Running also makes me think better, it's like those unnecessary thoughts were being unloaded from my mind thus being cleaned, or it relaxes me, just popped in the earphones and play a fast music, tie the shoe laces tight and I am set for 45 minutes the least of non-stop running and brisk walking in the park with my housemate or simply around the block.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Brothers and Sisters

I am hooked into watching this TV Series called Brothers and Sisters that stars Sally Field, Calista Flockhart and Robe Lowe among others; it was a very reminiscent of me and my siblings. Incidentally, it is a story of a mom and her five children, their relationship with each other, the children's individuality and their relationship with their respective partners and the people they mingle with.

Watching it makes me look into my own relationship with my own mother and siblings. Like the story, the family composed of the mother, two sisters and three brothers, which one is gay, incredibly mirrored really our lives which includes, like them, bickering, fighting, getting together, sharing secrets, lots of secrets, hating, arguing, making amends, being there, talking, lots of talking, laughing, eating together, catching up, helping, not helping, taking sides, not talking, not seeing, seeing a lot, whew and the list goes on and on. Like any big family, and like any sibling rivalries and jealousies, they can't seem to keep their opinions, to themselves and just let it out freely regardless which is nice to see, actually, in a weird sense of a way.

In the midst of all these is the mother, and like my mom, she helds the family together despite the constant babying, overbearing, getting in the way, overpowering, sensitive, too sensitive, advises, scolding, loving, loving unconditionally and just being a mother as best as she can, though sometimes she her role as a mother goes overboard, but only to the best of intentions.

Typical I say, my family may not be the best, we have our own problems to solve, not to solve, letting and not letting, dwelling and keeping but nevertheless we got through each and every issue and problems that hurdled in our lives.

One thing in the show, and one of the highlights of every episode is the family lunch or dinner, whichever, everytime the family get together things get better, or worst, cause that's where they let their guards down, it's where their conflict and feelings fly over each other and across the table. It's where they truly share each other's resentment, anger then love and resolved issues.

Funny that sometimes the whole episode can be summed up in one word "sorry" as they never seemed to stop saying it to each other. After all the issues, shouting and fights, it's the hugs, the tears, the smiles and the laughters that really lingers after.

I am an emotional wreck after one season of the series, crying, laughing, smiling, sad and angry. Did I mention personally I am also undergoing some inner searching that brings out my feelings and emotions all over the place? Add that to the effect I get from the series and your guess is as good as mine.

Nevertheless, things are subsiding slowly and getting back to normal, synonymously, the lives of the family in the series starts to go on too as the story progresses.

I am lucky, rather I am blessed to have four siblings, and today our lives may not be perfect, but one thing I know is that we are there for each other, in all that we do, wherever we are, we held on to each other for strength, courage, inspiration and love. We are all that we have and nothing in this world could take away that from us. I remember once our late father told us that we cannot rely to others except in each other.

I love my siblings so much, and my mother is in the center of it all. When the time comes when we are left with nothing but each other, I know we will survive and carry on, God knows, we will carry on, holding on to each other in love.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Papa Can You Hear Me?

It's your birthday today, sad that we won't be celebrating the day together like we used to. I remember long ago whenever you had your birthday, the world seemed to celebrate with you. You are such a big-hearted guy that everyone is beaming with affection towards you. I admire that in you, you are never selfish and you care a lot.

But what makes you the greatest father in the world? (Every child's father is his hero, right?) Let me count the ways...

Despite the fact that your being a policeman takes much of your time, you never fail to be there when we need you. You are there and never miss when we had our first communion, graduation, birthdays, even going to mass during Sunday! You just don't know, though sometimes I feel sleepy during the mass, I am still proud that we, as a family go to church together.

You are so great at anything you do that people look up to you.
You bring peace whenever you're at.
You lighten the day just by your mere presence.
You work hard yet you never complain and you simply dream of spending your retirement living by the sea with Mama.
You are stern and strict at times but all for a good reason, to keep us from going astray.
You trained us to be strong, wise and independent that right now, my siblings and I were doing good, not very good, but we're ok.
You love us very much.

I miss your request for coffee in the morning, I miss watching you read the papers.

I miss our times eating out together in that little corner in Chinatown, I miss studying in your office. I miss having lunch with you. I miss spending time watching TV with you and the talks we had about life and things. I miss you.

But, I was never there for you and it hurts. It hurts so deep that I am scarred when we lose you. It was hard, I tried to deny myself of the truth, but reality bites. You are gone, and the most lasting memory I have of you was the last time you hugged me ever so tight and told me, "Ang laki-laki mo na anak, parang di ko namalayan ang paglaki mo." (How you've grown my son, it seemed like I didn't notice how you've grown.) It was a moment between us, but I made a wall, and you felt it, "Bakit parang ang layo mo sa akin?" (Why does it seemed like you're far from me?), you looked at me, hold my shoulders and just looked at me and smiled, I know those are tears you are holding back, so I won't really see them, you hugged me again "Mahal na mahal kita, ikaw kaya ang panganay ko! Ang yabang ko!" (I love you very much, you are my firstborn! My pride!) and then let me go.

I was never there, I didn't break the wall between us. I am so stubborn and independent that I felt I didn't need you. It was the biggest mistake I ever made and the one and only regret I ever had.

Papa, can you hear me? Can you still feel me? Can you see me?
Papa I love you, did you know that? Papa, I am so proud of you, have you felt that?
I care, I care a lot, and though I never showed it, but in my heart I am the son you always wanted me to be.

Papa, Jonjon, I am Jonjon, your firstborn, your strength, your inspiration, your dream come true, the epitome of your manhood, the product of your love.

"Papa, si Jonjon po, patawad, patawad sa lahat ng pagkakataong nasaktan kita, binalewale kita at hindi pinahalagahan. Papa, patawad sa pagsuway sa mga gusto mo. Masakit man isiping baka di mo na ito marinig, pero susubukan ko pa rin." (Papa, this is Jonjon, I am sorry, sorry for every moment that I hurt you, took you for granted and never gave you importance. Papa I am sorry for disobeying you. It hurts to think maybe you won't be able to hear this, but I will still try.)

"Salamat sa lahat at pagdating ng panahon magkita ulit tayo, aakapin kita ng mahigpit na mahigpit, at ako naman ang magsasabing, Pa, mahal na mahal kita ng higit pa sa inaakala mo. (Thank you for everything and when the time comes we see each other again, I will embrace you ever so tight and it will be my turn to say, Pa, I love you very much, more than you'll ever know.)

Happy birthday, Pa, see you around.

Friday, May 14, 2010

I Am Learning

I am learning that time is timeless, it cannot be measured nor counted in minutes, hours, days, months and years, it is felt deep within us and made us act on a certain impulse as urged by these inner feelings. I am learning too, that love is beyond measure of standards and boundaries nor follow certain norms, love is simply love, and if this love transcends all and everything then one had reached the point where he is at one with the universe and all creations. I am learning that peace should start with oneself before one shares peace with another, in order to reach out and touch another's life, one must get in touch with himself first, that in order to understand one has to understood oneself.

In order to fully grasp the deeper meaning of all this I am searching for the answers not far, not in books (but they are guides somehow) and not anywhere but in me. I am liberating myself from who I am that is bound by measured time and to set my Being free.

I know I am meant for something, something bigger than I can comprehend, but nevertheless meant to be mine, I know I am not for myself alone but for the whole universe at their expense, I am a humble creation of power and spirit capable of inspiring movement and creativity as I project a sense of whole Being and kindness to everyone and everything around me.

That I am NOW on a journey that will take me each day to another level of knowing and understanding that my full potential is yet to arise and only me and me alone can tell when will be that time, when my whole Self shall rule over me and manifest my true gifts and talents that lie dormant within me. I am child hungry for new learning and experience, I am a vessel to be filled up and used to that specific purpose I am meant to be.

Soon I'll be born anew, and will experience the world with a new sense of purpose and view the world with a heightened sensory perceptions that will make everything crystal clear.

This will not be easy for I am of this earth but I am happy and excited at the same time for I am given the opportunity to experience to bask in the light of the universe where it all began.

(To My Red Spectral Skywalker)
You will be a part of this, I know that you are meant to be a part of my being reborn, we are meant to be together and I feel like we are connected beyond understanding. You are my antinode, my other half, my spiritual teacher and guide, my mentor and my source of love and dreams.
We will share many learnings and compliment each other in many ways. I also believe, together we can dream and create something significant that will touch people's lives and benefit the world.(Your Blue Solar Night)

Thursday, May 13, 2010

My Apologies

I would like to apologize to all people I may have hurt or feel uncomfortable. To those I took for granted, hated, mistrust and dishonest with. My apologies to people I gossip about and backstabbed in one way or another. I would like to apologize also to those I made promises and never kept, those I made to wait, and left without saying goodbye.

I am apologizing for my actions that is not helpful and created an unhealthy atmosphere, for the words I say that is meaningless and redundant. My apologies to people I got to hate, angry with and thought them harm.

My apologies for the things I never take the time to understand. My neglect for things I should have done.

I would also like to apologize to those I lied to, pretend with and not being a friend. To people I used and let be.

I am apologizing from the bottom of my heart, I am very sorry I did all these. Mostly I would like to apologize to myself for going through all these when I had the choice not to. It is my hope that I am forgiven as I try to forgive myself.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Ode To A Mother

We will never fully understand
The depth of their love and passion
The way they lend their helping hand
To a child they call their own

Mother, as she is often called
Teacher, guide, protector and shelter
By her brood who is their world
No one can ever do better

So here's to a great human being
To someone who is worthy of praise
May God bless you with all the wonderful things
Your heart's desire for the rest of your days.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Blue Solar Night

I am born with a special gift
I Pulse in order to Dream
To create in my mind a theme
In order to shed light on a dim
Realizing Intuition
To have a powerful way of living
Manifesting the divine
Keeping synchronocity flowing
I seal the Input of Abundance
I am a source of eternal knowing
Dreams are my energy and light
It is both my weapon and shield
With the Solar tone of Intention
I shed light to what is dark
I laid out the plan with passion
All I need is a tiny spark
I am guided by the power of Self-Generation
I am a continuous source of love
I am a river of endless thoughts
These are my divine gifts from above

Change Of Heart

There is a universal move to have a change of heart, to be more sensitive and aware of the world and the the plight of people around us. The heart, ever wondered why is it at the center of our body? Because everything relates to the heart, it controls our action, the movement of our body, it dictates the mind, it even affects our feelings and emotions. Once the heart find it has to change, everything will follow, in one synchronized vibration, like throwing a pebble in a still pond, the ripples will create one perfect movement to another.

So when a large number of people would have a change of heart, imagine what it could do? If a million people will have a change of heart, can you still comprehend its power?

I believe we are in the time and age where we have to have a change of heart in order to bring true peace not only into ourselves but to others as well. Often times we find ourselves tied up with the things we do everyday. We think that by keeping that high paying job, having the latest gadgetry, bigger homes and grandest cars will bring peace and happiness into our lives. Yes, for a while until we are compeled to find a better job, want the best gadgetry, an even bigger home and the fastest car, and the cycle goes on and on, and where's the peace in that? I may sound a bit opinionated or preachy but please bear with me.

If and when you help someone who is in need, doesn't it bring you joy? When you inspired other people to be better, ain't that bring you peace? Does your heart break when you see a suffering child? Death? Poverty? War and destruction of the environment? If so, then you are still human and have in you the POWER to do something about it. How, simple by having a change of heart first. Empathy, the challenge is to reach out and be a part of something that is universal. To connect ourselves with our inner selves and to serve our purpose on this plane we are right now. I also believe each one of us ask ourselves what we are meant to be, what's our purpose, many live and die without even knowing how and why we live. The answer is within our hearts. It is there since the time we are created, it was given the power to move us, to teach us, to support us and to create changes in us. Often too, we listen to what our mind would tell us, and why because our mind speaks louder than our heart, we can only hear what our heart is saying when we are having a peaceful moment, like meditating, or when we are dreaming, and there lies the reason why we are not living to our full potential.

The essence of a change of heart lies in the truth that we are made to watch over each other and the creation. This "earth" now is not the ideal "earth" we're suppose to be. We can only change all these if we are united to one sole purpose and our hearts would beat to one rhythm, to bring peace and calm to the world, order and celebration of life, and a heightened sense of spirituality and being.

Friday, April 30, 2010

New Day

Every new day is a chance to correct the wrong, to forgive the enemy, to take the opportunity, to touch a life, to help, to reach out, to smile and to love, but most importantly to thank God you're given another day to do all these.

Tal Vez (Maybe)

"Tal vez sera que esa historia ya tiene final no se porque hoy te siento tan distante de mí que a pesar que lo intento de nuevo tal vez llegue tarde, ya no hay nada que hacer y no puedo creer que el tiempo que hemos tenido tal vez se nos gastó" - Tal Vez, Ricky Martin

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Good, Evil and Man

I just finished reading a book called The Devil And Miss Prym by one of my favorite author, Paulo Coelho. The story revolves around a very interesting question in which at the end the answer was quite surprising.

The question is COULD YOU BE TEMPTED INTO EVIL? The answer seemed to be so easy, and I believe your answer would be YES.
Since time immemorial, when the serpent tempted Eve to taste the forbidden fruit,which history tells us an apple (which is so available today that the old adage "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" sounds scary!), anyway, since Eve took a bite of the Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, we can be easily persuaded to commit and do evil at a quick snap of a finger. It is so easy, men are so naive and gullible that the mere offer of wealth, fame and power overthrows their sense of divinity and compassion that pride, greed and envy comes and rules hearts and minds to a point men don't even think twice on deciding whether what they're doing will eventually lead them to despair.

Evil has many faces, but only one heart, which is despair. An evil person will succumb to despair when there is no more guilt left in his soul. He is like a rogue wolf running wild in the forest, will kill and devour any living thing that might cross his path without mercy.

The story is simple, a stranger with a sack of gold bars looking for salvation by offering his wealth to anyone who could commit the ultimate evil, a young and beautiful woman who longs to be free from cowardice and do whatever she wanted to do but keep putting it off for fear of failure, a tiny village where people are simple and onto one another, and an offer that even a priest would not resist, and all these characters will be put to the test, their faith and their goodness will be shaken and stirred (sounds like a drink?) to the brink of falling in the snares of temptation and evil.

They say each person has a guardian angel, and when there's an angel, of course there's the devil. We are told that angels reside on the right side of our personality and the devil on the left. They are in a constant battle as to whom will rule the mind and the heart of the person, the heart will be the battlefield and the mind is the vessel to which the idea would grow and will lead to action. Eventually one would rule over the other and whoever is victorius will merit the right to control the persons actions from the words the person would say to how the person would execute an act. In the story the two leads the Stranger and the Young Woman both have unseen devils and angels that argues and debates to which one of them would be heard and heeded by.

Confronted by temptation, men will always fall. "Given the right circumstances, every human being on this earth would be willing to commit evil," as the line goes from the book.

But no matter how far deep we fall into doing things that are bad, we are still, God's likeness and therefore I believe there will always be that spark of good in each and every one of us. Thus, the story is interestingly enough a good read, for I myself had questioned my own personal being, you see, whenever I am about to commit something that I know is bad, I would almost always think of choosing the "lesser evil" to which I justify everything. I keep believing that doing bad things "lightly" will spare me from guilt, but it did not, my conscience always reminds me that choosing to do evil, regardless, still is evil and there are consequences. More often evil presents itself as something that is logical, true, acknowledging, practical and safe, it cannot bring me peace.

Doing good, even in the smallest way, but done with heart and sincerity brings joy that is indescribable and real. In the end, the story tells me that in the midst of darkness the tiniest spark from even a lighted match can overcome that darkness. That deep inside every human being is the power to be good if we only choose to be.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Time Goes By, So Slowly

Time goes by, so slowly. Time goes by, so slowly. Time goes by, so slowly. Time goes by, so slowly. Time goes by, so slowly. Time goes by, so slowly. Time goes by, so slowly. - Madonna, Hung Up

Sunday, April 4, 2010

50 Books Challenge - For A Year

I got this idea from a website of bibliophiles and told myself why not? Although these guys were pretty serious about their hobbies and took up 100 books, I would like to start a bit small, like half of it.

So starting this month until the next in 2011, I will challenge myself to read 50 books, regardless of topic (as long as they are in interesting and good read) and we'll see.

I am already in one and got a few, new more in my keeping.

One of the best hobby to do really is reading for a lot of reasons, actually, for me one is that it makes us look beyond ourselves, we get to see sometimes our character and personalities right in front of us looking back in a way we never see before, and these characteristics can do things we've never done and knowing that we may can is very inspiring. Reading broadens one's horizons in looking at things in a different way. Sometimes the use of imagination sparks a hidden desire or a certain act which compelled us to be better than what we are now or something that we have been keeping and cannot express. Books even let us know how other people think and dream about as you can see this in their writing. It inspires to a never ending degree.

And much more, much, much more. My father loves to read, a lot, he loves espionage, war, action and all those that has to do with conspiracies within the military and the government. A policeman that he was, what else should I expect? I remember he bought me this series of books called A WONDERFUL WORLD OF DISNEY when I was young, it's an encyclopedia incorporated with Disney characters which is a fun read. That's where I started my fascination with books. I can't recall much all the books I read all these years, but I would know given some "memory shaking" , oh well, and that is why also my heart broke when a fire incident burned most of my book collections a few months ago. Each book in my collection speaks of a certain moment which reminds me of people, an act, a time, even a memory like how perfumes and scents sometimes trigger experiences. Thus am starting a new collection now.

Nevertheless, I am taking up this challenge in the hope that others would be inspired to read and find it very satisfying and interesting. So would you join me?

Saturday, April 3, 2010

And Now Am Back

Ok guys, am back in Riyadh, after a gruelling flight back that gave my ass a sore to remember, I am happily back for another year of adventures and misadventures.

How time flies so quickly it's like a blink of an eye. When I was younger, ok, waayy younger, time seemed to be so slow and I can't wait to grow up and be carefree. But now, at 3__, I wished I was younger. Oh well, people and our never ending wants and discontment. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Anyway, so here I am renewed in mind, body and spirit. Missing home and my family, and will be for the next few days, but it will pass and soon I will be lost in work and my life here.

So there, I'll just get over this jetlag and sleepless trip and I'll be fine.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Coming Back Expectations

Going back to Riyadh and what to expect? Aside from work, what more could I expect from staying another year? Hmmm..let's see...

1. I'd be more productive in terms of my idle time.
2. Connecting with old friends more.
3. Start a new relationship with someone new.
4. Spend less, save more.
5. Travel more and see more.
6. Read more and sleep more.
7. Exercise like never before.
8. Call home more often.
9. Be more positive.
10. Be a better person.

Reading the list sounds a bit corny to me. But what the heck. It's my list and whether I find it corny or not, still, something to expect, than none at all.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Another Week and Off To Riyadh

A few more days, less than a week to be exact, and I'll be going back to Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. I am asking myself if I am ready to face another year of doing the same routine once again. Am I? Well, yes, I will be doing the same for that's what I was hired to do at the same time that's work.

I am still feeling blessed that I have work, though God knows how much I am still hoping for something better, compensation wise, as things are not that cheap anymore.
A month stay in the Philippines has shown me that life is getting tougher day by day. I am still amazed as how people from the middle class down below the poverty line survive everyday.

I used to complain how much basic necessities cost everytime I went to the market, take note, wet market and not a supermarket for the prices there are too dreadful for me, anyway, as I was saying, I stopped my rantings as that's how things in the country nowadays.

Elections are coming and I don't really bother, forgive me for saying, but I don't really care. I am not a politics fan, just thinking about the country's present situation already made me brush off all these election bruhahas, and I know whoever sits in there inside the Philippine-version of the White House by the Pasig River will suffer the same fate as with the others. I'd rather stay away from politics than see all the negativities. I am sorry but I cannot see any positive thing in the Philippine government, well, that's me or until they bring the prize of a kilo of the ever so famous "galunggong" (mackerel scad) down to a very affordable prize as promised years and years ago by the late (may she rest in peace) president Corazon Aquino, which never did went down, maybe that's when I'll have my interest back.

Oh well, so a few days from now and I will see Riyadh, my second home and with me will be the hope that I can give a better life to my family, no, a more better life, God-willing. Actually, I am expecting something that was promised, and this, if ever will materialize would be a blessing, but if not, it's time to plan and use the opportunity to let another opportunity come.

God is good, He knows what we need, oh Lord, forgive me for wanting more, as you said yourself all we need to do is ask, I am not asking much but only to give me and my family something better. Amen

Friday, March 26, 2010

Singapore, How Can I Forget?

I haven't seen my sister for like a year and my birthday was coming so she told me if I wanted a sidetrip in Singapore where she was living for the past almost 7 years.
And how can I refuse such an offer? Me, who loves to travel would not say no to that!
So she send the ticket and before I knew it, I was already flying to Singapore for a week long tour.

I was first greeted by the humidity of the country, it was hot and humid and rainy like the Philippines. It was an easy flight and saw my sister as soon as I exited and we get to hug and kiss for we miss each other much. I arrived at 11 in the evening and she has work so we went directly to her place of work in an area called Boat Quay (Boat-Key)along a river with an array of bars and restaurants.

I get to walk for a while to wait for her to get off managing one of the bars there, until I arrived to a place called Clarke Quay (Clarke-Key) a place by the river too but on the other side where you'll find more clubs and bars full of people both Asian and Westerners. Truly people who were staying in Singapore loved to unwind everynight and there were a lot of places to go once the sun sets.

I spend most of my tour alone, and I get to know more of a place by walking around and feeling myself get lost at times. I get to discover new and exciting places along the way. But my sister asked for a leave for two days and we did have two fun-filled-bonding-moments days that we so much look forward to. She took me to Sentosa Island, wherein located were the country's famous amusement parks and of course the Underwaterworld where I saw a wide variety of sea animals including some amazing experience of touching live sharks, rays and a starfish!

We went to the beach there and found out from a signboard that Sentosa Island is the Southernmost part of Asia as shown in a map, cause next to it is already Australia. Imagine the feeling of just being there at that moment in time? Isn't it overwhelming to know that not too many people would know that. I just can't help smiling and thanking my sister about the whole thing.

Well, despite our lack of funds, we found a lot of ways to enjoy ourselves. We don't really need the amusement rides nor watch every show there was in Sentosa, but just being there with her, talking, laughing and taking pictures with her is more than enough for me. We both watched the sun set in Sentosa Island and dreaming and planning of a better future for our family.

One fun memory would be the night my sister and her Singaporean husband took me to dinner at China Town. We went to this restaurant by a busy street and ordered the famous Steamboat! A Steamboat is a dish wherein you cook your own combination of meat, seafoods and vegetables on big aluminum bowl of chicken broth with Chinese herbs and spices. It seemed like a very nice dinner until I get so stuffed eating prawns, crabs, beef and chicken, including vegetables that we have concocted all the while. We ate as if there's no more tomorrow and we went home feeling bloated.

Walking along the Orchard Road the next day was exhausting but fun, my eyes feasted on the wide variety of shops and international boutiques the line both side of a wide road. A full boulevard of shops that dazzles and entices anybody who might pass by. Brands like Armani to Zara abound, not to mention the local brands they have. I walked for I don't know how long, but I didn't really noticed as I was busy looking and gawking around. At the end of the day a trip to a sauna at a palce called Heater Room and immersing myself in a hot jacuzzi and a steam bath relieved all the tiredness away.

There was also a visit to a gay club there to in a place called Tantric along Neil Road near Tanjum Pagar, this is a red light district here in Singapore. It was a cozy place though a bit crowded with Europeans, Americans, Indians and Asians. I never thought that gay men there could really intermingle with each other despite their color. It was a great place. I came to know of the place when I met a lovely guy of Indian descent a day before and over a refreshing desert of iced fruits and "sago" his treat, told me the places to "see." We hanged out for a while and talked about a lot of things about Singapore and about each other which I find very, very nice.

There was a time also when my sister's father-in-law cooked lunch of sumptuos dish of prawns and their famous black pepper crab! I ate a lot and it was so heavenly!

The visit to the Chinatown was amazing with lots to see and buy at a very reasonable price, Chinese paintings, trinkets, decorations, all sorts of fancy things that mesmerized and excites. I bought some jade chinese horoscope symbols and a stamp with my Chinese name on it which I so like to have. A trip to Bugis was also a delight, it is a place sort of like a flea market, full of all sorts of things from imitation bags , watches and sunglasses, to a wide variety of clothing and other what have yous at a very reasonable price. Too bad though, my tour really does not include shopping! Oh, well, maybe next time.

My sister and I also went to the Singapore National Museum and just in time for the last exhibit of Egyptian antinquities. We joined the free tour and get to know a little bit about Egypt's history and saw mummies and artifacts from time immemorial. I thought this might be a prelude to my planned trip to Egypt also this year. Maybe.
Then we see exhibits of Singapore culture, history and arts. Another fun filled day.

While touring around, I got to meet a very nice man. A scientist and a poet combined. He was very nice and we get to hang out for a while. What's weird was that we seemed to know each other so well and felt really at home with each other, the feeling was as he called it, sublime and I, surreal. We promised to keep in touch and maybe see each other again.

All in all, it was a short trip but very exciting, my adventurous spirit was satisfied though I wished there was more time cause I missed seeing the zoo and the Night Safari and a few other places. Not to mention cross over Malaysia. But I'll be back and I am sure of that.

Singapore, don't ever leave without a picture together with another famous landmark, the Merlion along the sea!

Sonnet XVII

I do not love you as if you were a salt rose, or topaz
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you simply, without complexities or pride;
I love you in this way because I know no other way of loving.

But this, where I does not exist, nor you,
so intimate that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes close that I close.

-Pablo Naruda

I Carry Your Heart With Me

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in
my heart ) I am never without it (anywhere
I go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) I want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

E.E. Cummings

Monday, March 15, 2010

A Date With Fate

I never denied that I am sexually adventurous, nor denied having too careless most of the time. But all came to a halt when a call made me think deep about my "wild side" and HIV. That I am actually playing a Russian roullete with my life.

I received a phone call from a friend while having my vacation. After the usual hi and hello, we decided to have a date and of the unusual kind. To date this was the most "unusual" date I ever had. Instead of the usual dinner or a movie, our date were to be ... you'll never guess, San Lazaro Hospital in Manila.

I've always wanted to do it, but like most people, fear prohibits me from going, not to mention shame. That at my age, I should be responsible and careful enough when it comes to my sexual encounters. But this time, I am cool, I am ok, although in my heart of hearts, I am afraid. But I need to go, and I need to do it.

You know of angels? People who were there at the right place at the right moment? Well, this guy was at the right time when he made that call.

Encouraging me and telling me the significance of the visit to the place, it made me realized that I must. So a date was set and I waited for the day.

The day came and we met at Tayuman, had a small lunch at Jollibee of chicken barbeque meal and an iced mango for dessert, after a short catching up about our lives, we head to the San Lazaro Hospital. Braving the noonday sun, some perspiration and a sticky feeling, we eventually arrived in this old building, with some dilapilated walls, smell of old rooms mixed with alcohol, actually, the smell of sickness which was a little nauseating really. My friend tried to continue the conversation, maybe to settle my nerves as I am a little nervous, it was my first time. He had been there twice a year for the past 2 or 3 years so he knows the procedure.

Going to the second floor of the first building with big banners and posters about World AIDS Day, bulletin boards with all sorts of announcements and reminders on health risks and safety, we were greeted by this petite nurse who asked for our reason for coming. My friend told her that I would like to get tested looked at me and smiled, as if I am something to fancy. She told me to sign a logbook, not before my friend told me that I had the privilege to not put my real name so I wrote Carlo Magno instead. I noticed there were two guys infront of me sitting on a long chair, one was smiling and the other is eyeing me as if I am already something to add to the statistic, of course both were gay. She had me filled up also this form for my information and answer some personal questions like, "have you been tested before?" "when was the last time you had sex?" "have you had any STD" and choices of "a. Heterosexual with multiple partners; b. Homosexual with multiple partners" "Gay, Bi, Straight" I felt like taking a medical board exam!

After a few minutes, she herded me inside a room where there sits a nurse which is also the counselor, by a table in a corner with some HIV and AIDS pamphlets, visual aids and materials on it, who were beaming at me. A middle aged guy sat on another table a few feet away, who looked up and also smiled at me and returned to filing some papers. I thought maybe smiling really was their SOP to make people coming there for tests feel at ease. She introduced herself, very friendly, all smiles, lowered her voice a bit and asked me if it is ok if she could ask me some questions and I gamely said of course. She told me that there will be a pre-counseling first before the test, and if I would like to have the test first instead, so while waiting she'd do the pre-counseling, duh? But anyway, she gave me a slip to take to the ground floor to room 106, so my friend and I went and chanced upon three chubby, laughing and eating nurses, as if they're in a restaurant and not in a hospital. I hesitantly come into the room cause I felt awkward and thought maybe they're on a break but the nurse in a civilian clothing, yes she is a nurse, I think cause she had a nameplate, asked me to come in and handed her the slip. I was told sit on a chair with an arm rest set up for taking blood samples, cleaned her hands just by rubbing them on her pants and together, which shocked me a bit, and prepared to draw blood. She tied a piece of rubber just above my elbow on my pecs and tried to find a vein on my left arm. Half of the syringe were full when she stopped drawing blood a few minutes later. We returned to the second floor to the counselor and resumed our conversation. She asked all sorts of questions, but before that she told me that she'll now include the post-counselling, I never got irritated with a word as much as I started to get to with the word "counselling" that moment!

Anyway, my family background was asked, so are my sexual history and all the while she was friendly enough to listen and to comment every now and then. She also explained all sorts of information about HIV and AIDS , which most I already know, but she explained further by telling me about the grace period from the last sexual encounter prior to test, and the aftermath if found positive. The Philippine Health Department provided free medical treatment including medicine, as long as the patient is willing enough to cooperate and to religiously follow a healthy lifestyle and regular check ups and visit to the designated health center, for a lifetime.

She also told me of her sentiment that she'd hoped for more funding from rich countries for more stable medical facilities and supplies, not that it's running out, but for future patients, as the costs of personal treatment is way too much for an average Filipino. What if the funds run out, she said, what would happen? I just agreed with her and made me think of what could I do, but that's another story.

All the while while asnwering her and listening to my story, my mind is wondering about the result. It took 30 minutes before someone came and handed her another slip which was the result. But that 30 minutes felt like an eternity, and I could feel my heart beating fast when I saw the slip. She read and then told me I should rethink about my misadventures. She showed me the slip and it read "NON-REACTIVE" which she translated, NEGATIVE. I held my chest and breathe out air as if coming from the deepest part of my lungs! Thank God.

She said that I should always remember to be safe, that not because a person looks healthy does not mean he might not have it, everyone is at risk, so I should always protect myself. I said my million thank yous' and bid her goodbye, after reminding me to return the next day to get my certificate.

I went home smiling too, and I had my own reason at that, one, an answered prayer, and two, I was given a new lease in life, the nurse was right, I should be more responsible than ever before for I am at risk, and will always be at risk.

Now I have a baseline to start with, I would be very, very vigilant and careful the next time my adventures and misadventures come knocking at my door.