This blog contains opinions, experiences, thoughts and observations of the author from his day to day living.
It is subject to comments, criticisms and corrections, and all will be dealt with constructively and do leave your comments I would love to hear from you.
There is no intention to offend, discriminate nor degrade anybody or anything for that matter, only shared feelings, emotions and angsts at the moment.
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Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Papa Can You Hear Me?

It's your birthday today, sad that we won't be celebrating the day together like we used to. I remember long ago whenever you had your birthday, the world seemed to celebrate with you. You are such a big-hearted guy that everyone is beaming with affection towards you. I admire that in you, you are never selfish and you care a lot.

But what makes you the greatest father in the world? (Every child's father is his hero, right?) Let me count the ways...

Despite the fact that your being a policeman takes much of your time, you never fail to be there when we need you. You are there and never miss when we had our first communion, graduation, birthdays, even going to mass during Sunday! You just don't know, though sometimes I feel sleepy during the mass, I am still proud that we, as a family go to church together.

You are so great at anything you do that people look up to you.
You bring peace whenever you're at.
You lighten the day just by your mere presence.
You work hard yet you never complain and you simply dream of spending your retirement living by the sea with Mama.
You are stern and strict at times but all for a good reason, to keep us from going astray.
You trained us to be strong, wise and independent that right now, my siblings and I were doing good, not very good, but we're ok.
You love us very much.

I miss your request for coffee in the morning, I miss watching you read the papers.

I miss our times eating out together in that little corner in Chinatown, I miss studying in your office. I miss having lunch with you. I miss spending time watching TV with you and the talks we had about life and things. I miss you.

But, I was never there for you and it hurts. It hurts so deep that I am scarred when we lose you. It was hard, I tried to deny myself of the truth, but reality bites. You are gone, and the most lasting memory I have of you was the last time you hugged me ever so tight and told me, "Ang laki-laki mo na anak, parang di ko namalayan ang paglaki mo." (How you've grown my son, it seemed like I didn't notice how you've grown.) It was a moment between us, but I made a wall, and you felt it, "Bakit parang ang layo mo sa akin?" (Why does it seemed like you're far from me?), you looked at me, hold my shoulders and just looked at me and smiled, I know those are tears you are holding back, so I won't really see them, you hugged me again "Mahal na mahal kita, ikaw kaya ang panganay ko! Ang yabang ko!" (I love you very much, you are my firstborn! My pride!) and then let me go.

I was never there, I didn't break the wall between us. I am so stubborn and independent that I felt I didn't need you. It was the biggest mistake I ever made and the one and only regret I ever had.

Papa, can you hear me? Can you still feel me? Can you see me?
Papa I love you, did you know that? Papa, I am so proud of you, have you felt that?
I care, I care a lot, and though I never showed it, but in my heart I am the son you always wanted me to be.

Papa, Jonjon, I am Jonjon, your firstborn, your strength, your inspiration, your dream come true, the epitome of your manhood, the product of your love.

"Papa, si Jonjon po, patawad, patawad sa lahat ng pagkakataong nasaktan kita, binalewale kita at hindi pinahalagahan. Papa, patawad sa pagsuway sa mga gusto mo. Masakit man isiping baka di mo na ito marinig, pero susubukan ko pa rin." (Papa, this is Jonjon, I am sorry, sorry for every moment that I hurt you, took you for granted and never gave you importance. Papa I am sorry for disobeying you. It hurts to think maybe you won't be able to hear this, but I will still try.)

"Salamat sa lahat at pagdating ng panahon magkita ulit tayo, aakapin kita ng mahigpit na mahigpit, at ako naman ang magsasabing, Pa, mahal na mahal kita ng higit pa sa inaakala mo. (Thank you for everything and when the time comes we see each other again, I will embrace you ever so tight and it will be my turn to say, Pa, I love you very much, more than you'll ever know.)

Happy birthday, Pa, see you around.

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