This blog contains opinions, experiences, thoughts and observations of the author from his day to day living.
It is subject to comments, criticisms and corrections, and all will be dealt with constructively and do leave your comments I would love to hear from you.
There is no intention to offend, discriminate nor degrade anybody or anything for that matter, only shared feelings, emotions and angsts at the moment.
Welcome to my world.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Reality Check - Happiness

Finally we had an internet connection at home and most probably I'll be updating this blog on a regular basis, bear with me please as lately I haven't been really myself.

There are so many things actually, my head is like a stew of thoughts, issues, and sometimes, I think I am going crazy.

You might not notice it, not that I put up a face in front of people, but I just don't want to get them affected or me carry it around.

But when I am alone in my room, things are pretty different. I don't know really what it is, but just to name it, I call it melancholy.

So what's the story? What's in my mind, let me then invite you for a ride inside the deepest caverns of my mind, heart and emotions. Warning, though, the road ther emight be bumpy, with not so much to see, but like what I said before, bear with me.

I am thinking what I have accomplished so far in my life? What I have achieved? What I have earned and gained? I like to do many things but where to start? Do I have the drive to make it or even start it? Where am I heading for? Am I stuck with this life?

I worry about things I do have control really. I just chose not to act on them.
I am scared of starting but not finishing. I am lonely cause I am loveless. I am lonely cause I am so far away from my family. I am scared I will not make it nor my dreams won't come true. I am, just I am, nothing.

I took a long shower today, a hot shower, for I hate cold water. I don't even drink much of cold water, I love it tap warm or hot enough to bath or drink. Well, during lathering, I noticed I am kind of in a hurry, then thought in 5 minutes I'll be done. So I changed my pace, I slowed down. I gently let the soap slide on my skin, feeling the sensation the goes with it. It felt good. I am happy.

What was that I read from my Facebook's "GOd Wants YOu To Know" subscription a few days ago? "Happiness has nothing to do with pleasure.Pleasure is always relative. Happiness is absolute. Happiness is the understanding and acceptance of life as it is in this very moment as completely perfect, because every creation of God is perfect. The degree to which you do not accept life in all of the Divine forms is the degree to which you suffer."

So that moment in the shower is perfect, I was meant to be there, to exprience it and enjoyed it. Yes it is pleasure that I felt, and it has nothing to do with happinees, correct, it is the moment, I was given the privilege to enjoy that shower.

And getting back, to think I am thinking the other way around, I thought If I satisfy myself with the things I like, I'd be happy. I thought buying myself a new outfit or a new gadget would make me happy, now realizing, it only made me crave for more, and there is always more, a new collection, a new device, a new style, the never really ends.
I would wear it and play with it, and just after an hour or so I get tire of it and on to the next.

I sat under the shower and closed my eyes, pretending I am home, in our street in Tondo where I grew up, standing in the rain, as I love bathing in the rain when I was young, and I came to realize that moment was happiness. I feel free, I feel I am young, carefree, the hot shower suddenly felt cold, I couldn't feel the heat anymore, I feel the cold rain.

Back to reality, sometimes the problem with already knowing something is the ability of our mind to cloud them with unnecessary images and visions that absolutely has one purpose only and that is to scare us or make us lose interest to what we really would like to do in our lives. So, getting back, in my heart I already know that, I am already happy if I only acknowledge it.

Whenever I am with my family and friends I am happy, after hanging out with them, spending hours and hours of laughters and talking, I go home with a smile on my face, I would wake up feeling good, the day seemed to be perfect in all ways, like nothing could go wrong.

After eating a very nice meal, I am happy, the aftertaste of good cooking the was left in my mouth makes me feel good.

Listening to music and or watching a nice movie, makes me happy.
Reading books makes me happy.
Drawing makes me happy.
Looking out my room window at the people going to and fro makes me happy.
Looking at the pigeons perching on my window sill makes me happy.
Travelling makes me happy.
Praying makes me happy.

If you notice there's not a single material thing in the list.
Only feelings and actions.

And that's my reality check, I don't need much to be happy. Pleasure is indeed relative. Take it away, and you're still you. Happiness is absolute, it is were you are right now, amidst all the things happening around you. You are meant to be exactly where you are right now, and do not doubt it. God plan is perfect, has no flaws, well thought and easy.

We just make it complicated from the choices that we make.

So getting off the shower, and going into my room, the soundtrack of The Mummy is playing, I continue to think (as I type this) that never mind that I don't have much, that the things I am thinking and bothering me are just mere, well, thinking, it may or may not happen, and the scary part were just there to, scare.

I told a friend, I am lonely too cause I am single, but he told me it's not that bad to be single, and he is right, it is not that bad after all and there is nothing to be really scared of. I also chose to wait on it and act only when it comes.

Love, I am loved. I know am loved. Cared for, yes I am also cared for.

Reality Check, I just need a carrot-apple-banana-cucumber smoothie, and I'll be fine.
Just fine.

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