The Prodigal Son

Almost everyone knows the story, and everyone can relate to it.
The story of the prodigal son applies to all and no one is exempted.

I am a prodigal son, I wandered the world and indulge to all pleasures it can offer, before that, I am an active Christian worker, leading Bible studies, leading the Church through Music Ministry and attended Sunday Service religiously.

Until one day, I turned away and never looked back.

Now, I am slowly coming back, maybe it is the spiritual hunger that I have been enduring all these years, maybe at this point the life that I thought would make me happy has become meaningless and lonely.

I remember, I was my happiest during Sunday service and singing my heart out to God.
Now, everything seemed to be superficial, shallow and empty.

It is so hypocritical for me to say that I don't backslide every now and then since I started to revive my spiritual life. In fact, it is an ongoing battle between good and evil daily, and I am always at the brink of giving up.

Sometimes in between prayers the temptation is strongest.

And everytime I pray the Rosary, or praying in general, I still feel UNEASY, it's as if there is an ongoing battle from what I am doing and it is always an effort. I feel uncomfortable, Iam catching my breath,I get tongue-tied and I forget the words.

My mannerism (eye-movement and body twitching) is on the rise, I see moving shadows in my bedroom when I turned off the light to sleep. A fly would buzz around me, irritably sometimes during Rosary time, the airconditioning unit would conk-out, releases hot air at very cool temperature for a minute, then resume its normal run again repeatedly!

You might say, and I thought also that my mind is playing tricks on me, or maybe the guilt I am feeling is just getting hold of me, but nevertheless, I know that these are all ways of the primeval enemy of God to keep hold of me, to confuse me and to make known to me that it is still fun to love the world and all it's splendor!

The more I control my urges, the MORE I am tempted to give in, unfortunately sometimes I do, and a quick pleasure is immediately replaced by heavy guilt and shame.

Still, after all these, like the Prodigal Son, I will try harder to return to the Father, for I know He is waiting for me to come home with open arms and forgiveness, that no matter what I made of myself, He won't care as long as I am willing to have a change of heart.