Until When Can You Give Without Expecting?

As Christians we were taught that Jesus said, "If someone takes your shirt, let him have your coat as well," or something like that. We were told to give more than we receive. To give without expecting, but joy, a feeling of peace and love, of brotherhood and camaraderie.

But until when? I'd say until you're bled dry. Seriously.
Let me share my point of view.
While reading the book A NEW EARTH by Eckhart Tolle, I am enlightened with the fact that we often define ourselves with the things we accumulate. We attached ourselves to many a thing of beauty, gadgetry, aesthetics and identity enhancers that once we are parted from them we most often than not feel helpless, empty, reduced to a nobody. We identify ourselves with most things that makes feel better than anyone else, unique, special, one of a kind. We love to be admired for what we have and unfortunately, not for what we are.

How is that? Let's simply put it this way, you own the latest mobile phone, with all its applications and prestige, you are proud of it, and you feel special. You depend your life on it for communication, schedules, information and what have you. Imagine losing it, imagine how you'd feel? I bet you'll be angry as hell, you'll be cursing and crying your heart out for the lost of the very thing that "defines" you.

Let's say, someone asked you to give it as a gift, are you willing to part from it? Once more,I bet, you won't. Not that we should not be giving, but the very thing that, again, "defines" you, are you willing to give it away? You won't.

Now let me ask you this question, can you realize that you'll have to let go of the phone at some point , perhaps sooner than you know? How long will it take you to be ready to let it go? Will you become less of a person when you give it away? Has YOU been reduced to a lesser degree?

Have you?

Whatever your answer will be depends on how you are attached to the very thing that "defines" you.

Eckhart said "Whenever you completely accept a loss, you go beyond (ego), and who you are." It does not mean we will let people just take whatever they want from us, but instead it simply mean that "sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on."

So to give or not to give, it's all up to you, one can only have an open heart and mind and the sincerity to be able to give without any remorse or regret and most importantly expecting anything in return. Be careful though, cause sometimes being too giving is also another way of "defining" yourself, a way of attracting emphaty so people would praise you, which you "expect" thus losing the "sincerity" of the act.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, " Jesus said, "for theirs will be the kingdom of heaven." - No inner baggages, nothing to hang on to, nothing to be identified with, not with things or any concepts that defines the self, being "poor in spirit." The "kingdom of heaven" is simply that inner joy that brings peace within you that is (always) there when you let go.

Running

Got a new habit and it's running. I try to run everyday (though there were days that running would be impossible because of the damn sandstorm!) Nevertheless, it has become something to look forward to after work hours.

Aside from relieving stress, I've learn that running has it's benefits as quoted:

"Yet, most serious runners will say their addiction goes beyond the physical benefits they achieve from running. Runners say the intense exhilaration and euphoria that comes after a run is what motivates them most. In fact, this euphoria comes from a betaendorphin release triggered by the neurons in the nervous system. Intended to alleviate the pain after a run, it creates a feeling of extreme happiness and exhilaration. Runners become addicted to this intense high, and it can often replace other addictions to drugs, alcohol, and even food. While runners claim to achieve more energy in daily life from running, it also helps bring appetite, exercise and food into balance. Furthermore, as running makes the body function better, it improves sleep, eating, and relaxation." - http://www.vanderbilt.edu/ans/psychology/health_psychology/running.html

That was a mouthful, eh? But personally, it's a choice to try to stay healthy, in a few years I'd be reaching that age when bodily functions will be at its more vulnerable and working it out now would be the best thing to do.

Running also makes me think better, it's like those unnecessary thoughts were being unloaded from my mind thus being cleaned, or it relaxes me, just popped in the earphones and play a fast music, tie the shoe laces tight and I am set for 45 minutes the least of non-stop running and brisk walking in the park with my housemate or simply around the block.

Brothers and Sisters

I am hooked into watching this TV Series called Brothers and Sisters that stars Sally Field, Calista Flockhart and Robe Lowe among others; it was a very reminiscent of me and my siblings. Incidentally, it is a story of a mom and her five children, their relationship with each other, the children's individuality and their relationship with their respective partners and the people they mingle with.

Watching it makes me look into my own relationship with my own mother and siblings. Like the story, the family composed of the mother, two sisters and three brothers, which one is gay, incredibly mirrored really our lives which includes, like them, bickering, fighting, getting together, sharing secrets, lots of secrets, hating, arguing, making amends, being there, talking, lots of talking, laughing, eating together, catching up, helping, not helping, taking sides, not talking, not seeing, seeing a lot, whew and the list goes on and on. Like any big family, and like any sibling rivalries and jealousies, they can't seem to keep their opinions, to themselves and just let it out freely regardless which is nice to see, actually, in a weird sense of a way.

In the midst of all these is the mother, and like my mom, she helds the family together despite the constant babying, overbearing, getting in the way, overpowering, sensitive, too sensitive, advises, scolding, loving, loving unconditionally and just being a mother as best as she can, though sometimes she her role as a mother goes overboard, but only to the best of intentions.

Typical I say, my family may not be the best, we have our own problems to solve, not to solve, letting and not letting, dwelling and keeping but nevertheless we got through each and every issue and problems that hurdled in our lives.

One thing in the show, and one of the highlights of every episode is the family lunch or dinner, whichever, everytime the family get together things get better, or worst, cause that's where they let their guards down, it's where their conflict and feelings fly over each other and across the table. It's where they truly share each other's resentment, anger then love and resolved issues.

Funny that sometimes the whole episode can be summed up in one word "sorry" as they never seemed to stop saying it to each other. After all the issues, shouting and fights, it's the hugs, the tears, the smiles and the laughters that really lingers after.

I am an emotional wreck after one season of the series, crying, laughing, smiling, sad and angry. Did I mention personally I am also undergoing some inner searching that brings out my feelings and emotions all over the place? Add that to the effect I get from the series and your guess is as good as mine.

Nevertheless, things are subsiding slowly and getting back to normal, synonymously, the lives of the family in the series starts to go on too as the story progresses.

I am lucky, rather I am blessed to have four siblings, and today our lives may not be perfect, but one thing I know is that we are there for each other, in all that we do, wherever we are, we held on to each other for strength, courage, inspiration and love. We are all that we have and nothing in this world could take away that from us. I remember once our late father told us that we cannot rely to others except in each other.

I love my siblings so much, and my mother is in the center of it all. When the time comes when we are left with nothing but each other, I know we will survive and carry on, God knows, we will carry on, holding on to each other in love.

Papa Can You Hear Me?

It's your birthday today, sad that we won't be celebrating the day together like we used to. I remember long ago whenever you had your birthday, the world seemed to celebrate with you. You are such a big-hearted guy that everyone is beaming with affection towards you. I admire that in you, you are never selfish and you care a lot.

But what makes you the greatest father in the world? (Every child's father is his hero, right?) Let me count the ways...

Despite the fact that your being a policeman takes much of your time, you never fail to be there when we need you. You are there and never miss when we had our first communion, graduation, birthdays, even going to mass during Sunday! You just don't know, though sometimes I feel sleepy during the mass, I am still proud that we, as a family go to church together.

You are so great at anything you do that people look up to you.
You bring peace whenever you're at.
You lighten the day just by your mere presence.
You work hard yet you never complain and you simply dream of spending your retirement living by the sea with Mama.
You are stern and strict at times but all for a good reason, to keep us from going astray.
You trained us to be strong, wise and independent that right now, my siblings and I were doing good, not very good, but we're ok.
You love us very much.

I miss your request for coffee in the morning, I miss watching you read the papers.

I miss our times eating out together in that little corner in Chinatown, I miss studying in your office. I miss having lunch with you. I miss spending time watching TV with you and the talks we had about life and things. I miss you.

But, I was never there for you and it hurts. It hurts so deep that I am scarred when we lose you. It was hard, I tried to deny myself of the truth, but reality bites. You are gone, and the most lasting memory I have of you was the last time you hugged me ever so tight and told me, "Ang laki-laki mo na anak, parang di ko namalayan ang paglaki mo." (How you've grown my son, it seemed like I didn't notice how you've grown.) It was a moment between us, but I made a wall, and you felt it, "Bakit parang ang layo mo sa akin?" (Why does it seemed like you're far from me?), you looked at me, hold my shoulders and just looked at me and smiled, I know those are tears you are holding back, so I won't really see them, you hugged me again "Mahal na mahal kita, ikaw kaya ang panganay ko! Ang yabang ko!" (I love you very much, you are my firstborn! My pride!) and then let me go.

I was never there, I didn't break the wall between us. I am so stubborn and independent that I felt I didn't need you. It was the biggest mistake I ever made and the one and only regret I ever had.

Papa, can you hear me? Can you still feel me? Can you see me?
Papa I love you, did you know that? Papa, I am so proud of you, have you felt that?
I care, I care a lot, and though I never showed it, but in my heart I am the son you always wanted me to be.


Papa, Jonjon, I am Jonjon, your firstborn, your strength, your inspiration, your dream come true, the epitome of your manhood, the product of your love.

"Papa, si Jonjon po, patawad, patawad sa lahat ng pagkakataong nasaktan kita, binalewale kita at hindi pinahalagahan. Papa, patawad sa pagsuway sa mga gusto mo. Masakit man isiping baka di mo na ito marinig, pero susubukan ko pa rin." (Papa, this is Jonjon, I am sorry, sorry for every moment that I hurt you, took you for granted and never gave you importance. Papa I am sorry for disobeying you. It hurts to think maybe you won't be able to hear this, but I will still try.)

"Salamat sa lahat at pagdating ng panahon magkita ulit tayo, aakapin kita ng mahigpit na mahigpit, at ako naman ang magsasabing, Pa, mahal na mahal kita ng higit pa sa inaakala mo. (Thank you for everything and when the time comes we see each other again, I will embrace you ever so tight and it will be my turn to say, Pa, I love you very much, more than you'll ever know.)

Happy birthday, Pa, see you around.

I Am Learning

I am learning that time is timeless, it cannot be measured nor counted in minutes, hours, days, months and years, it is felt deep within us and made us act on a certain impulse as urged by these inner feelings. I am learning too, that love is beyond measure of standards and boundaries nor follow certain norms, love is simply love, and if this love transcends all and everything then one had reached the point where he is at one with the universe and all creations. I am learning that peace should start with oneself before one shares peace with another, in order to reach out and touch another's life, one must get in touch with himself first, that in order to understand one has to understood oneself.

In order to fully grasp the deeper meaning of all this I am searching for the answers not far, not in books (but they are guides somehow) and not anywhere but in me. I am liberating myself from who I am that is bound by measured time and to set my Being free.

I know I am meant for something, something bigger than I can comprehend, but nevertheless meant to be mine, I know I am not for myself alone but for the whole universe at their expense, I am a humble creation of power and spirit capable of inspiring movement and creativity as I project a sense of whole Being and kindness to everyone and everything around me.

That I am NOW on a journey that will take me each day to another level of knowing and understanding that my full potential is yet to arise and only me and me alone can tell when will be that time, when my whole Self shall rule over me and manifest my true gifts and talents that lie dormant within me. I am child hungry for new learning and experience, I am a vessel to be filled up and used to that specific purpose I am meant to be.

Soon I'll be born anew, and will experience the world with a new sense of purpose and view the world with a heightened sensory perceptions that will make everything crystal clear.

This will not be easy for I am of this earth but I am happy and excited at the same time for I am given the opportunity to experience to bask in the light of the universe where it all began.

(To My Red Spectral Skywalker)
You will be a part of this, I know that you are meant to be a part of my being reborn, we are meant to be together and I feel like we are connected beyond understanding. You are my antinode, my other half, my spiritual teacher and guide, my mentor and my source of love and dreams.
We will share many learnings and compliment each other in many ways. I also believe, together we can dream and create something significant that will touch people's lives and benefit the world.(Your Blue Solar Night)

My Apologies

I would like to apologize to all people I may have hurt or feel uncomfortable. To those I took for granted, hated, mistrust and dishonest with. My apologies to people I gossip about and backstabbed in one way or another. I would like to apologize also to those I made promises and never kept, those I made to wait, and left without saying goodbye.

I am apologizing for my actions that is not helpful and created an unhealthy atmosphere, for the words I say that is meaningless and redundant. My apologies to people I got to hate, angry with and thought them harm.

My apologies for the things I never take the time to understand. My neglect for things I should have done.

I would also like to apologize to those I lied to, pretend with and not being a friend. To people I used and let be.
I am apologizing from the bottom of my heart, I am very sorry I did all these. Mostly I would like to apologize to myself for going through all these when I had the choice not to. It is my hope that I am forgiven as I try to forgive myself.

Ode To A Mother

We will never fully understand
The depth of their love and passion
The way they lend their helping hand
To a child they call their own

Mother, as she is often called
Teacher, guide, protector and shelter
By her brood who is their world
No one can ever do better

So here's to a great human being
To someone who is worthy of praise
May God bless you with all the wonderful things
Your heart's desire for the rest of your days.