A New Year's Eve Confession

I have a confession to make, I have an addiction.

Shocking right? It's been enslaving me for as far as I can remember. It got me to a lot of situation that is never ok, that sometimes when I am feeling sober or momentarily free from it, it still follows me. It haunts me. It drags me down.

Yes it gives me joy, I am so in need of it that however fleeting, I'll take it.

I need to rehabilitate myself, will not be that easy, but I need to try. I must try for my sake. One thing though, I hope it's not too late, and if it is. I have the rest of my life to make up for it.


I would like to start on a clean slate this year and maybe it would turn out better.
There were many wasted opportunities to do things, but I never pursued them.
I recalled this year's resolutions and none stuck out. I'd only start but never got to finished, not only one but actually a lot and am not proud of it.

I've been trying to find myself, to bring out my inner self for the past several months now. Hoping that it would help but it's a struggle. It's a war between my soul and my ego, a clash between my body and mind, my heart and my addiction. Choosing between God and the Devil. Because of this, everything I do is always under my own scrutiny, my own evaluation, did I do right? did I do wrong? will doing it like this be benefial or should I do it the other way around?

Will the words I say can cause harm? How can I help? How, why, what, where, when!

My spiritual teacher had told me that the path towards the inner self is never easy, and also never hard. One had to only believe and let go of what's holding one back.
To let our soul guide us by tuning into what it is telling us through listening to our hearts. My heart is crying out loud, but I can barely hear it because of my cluttered mind and restless ego. He also told me of a hope, that all these are but a part of breaking down the walls I have built around me, breaking down of a bondage in order to let myself free. Free from this addiction, free from guilt, from my ego-self.

I know I am a good person, in my own definition. I always accept whatever life throws at me without any complains, thinking that I deserve them. If it is something
nice, then I take it as I did good at one point, and if it happens to bring loneliness, dishearten feeling, then I might have done the other.

I think I need some help, this time. I never asked for help. I always rely on myself that I am my own person and that I can handle and control this addiction.
I feel I am living a double life, and it is not right. But first, I need to help myself before I let anyone in. Dig deeper at the roots of this thing that blocks the positive energies from coming. I need to be stronger this time.


I am an addict, am not proud of it. But I accept it as a part of me, that to live through it, and succeed in living without is to find my true self, How I am suppose to be, Who I am, What I am here for, Where I am to be and When it will be.

New Year, brings new hope, new chance and a new start.

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.

New Year In Focus

We are about to say goodbye to 2010 and say hello to 2011 and what do we hope for this time? I am pretty sure if we make a list of things to do this coming year, we will end up with a list as same as the one we made at the beginning of this ending year.
Which means, we have not really done what we intended to do this year. Which means, probably we did not do our best, or we did not even bother to follow them. It may mean also that for some reason plans were diverted into other things. Or simply, we wrote them just for the sake of having a list or a resolution.
We plan ahead, but as days pass by, we simply lose track of our goals, intentions and hopes. Life has its way of screwing things up, and letting us fail.
But what will drive us this time? I can only think of some ways like minding our choices.
If we will keep our focus on the things that we wanted to happen in our lives, we just have to keep walking on the path towards it. Yes, there will be times when we lack the drive, the energy or the inspiration, but we should not let our goals slip through our hands. It is ours for the taking, and we can reach it, if we really want it.
I am guilty of this, and yes, it is a cliche to say I told myself this time I'll stick to it, but who knows, maybe I will. There is nothing wrong to keep on trying, even the greatest men failed more than they succeed, but ain't it the sweetest thing when you strive for something and eventually get it?
So this coming year, I had a few, yeah, this time I keep it to a minimum, in my list. We'll see, we will see.

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself. ~Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"

Reminiscing The Good Old Days

My cousin Maureen posted some by-gone pictures of ours when we were just little kids and every cousin and a couple of aunties joined in the barrage of comments to each pictures posted.

We were reminiscing about the times when we were always together at family gatherings, specially Christmas. Our parents would make it a point that Christmas is always about the family, with the family and for the family. They were right, the bonds created by us cousins I believe were so unbreakable that until today, whenever we chat, it's like we just picked up on where we left the last time.

We were so close. But time flies quickly without us feeling it sometimes. We find ourselves now all grown up and live different lives. Separated by thousands of miles and great oceans and thinking about it I sometimes wish we were not.

But thanks to a social-network program like FB, distances simply become just like the next door. My cousins and I suddenly talk again and about a lot of things, grown up things? You wish! We talk about our childhood so often that it triggers memories like an opened dam and we look back with smiles and laughters, some heartstrings were pulled, we're happy and we're lucky to have doting parents and Aunts and Uncles who spoiled us!

I read somewhere that to get to your future you must remember the past, or something like that. We had a great past as kids, somewhere along the way we need to grown up, but we will always be those little kids who just play around and our Aunts and Uncles little angels, in our hearts.

No Spare

Coming to terms with what might have been,
Scares the life out of me.
But knowing that what could have been,
Would be life I have yet to see.

Sometimes I get so careless.
But I cannot simply stop.
Often I am aware but nevertheless
I let myself drop.

Do you know what I am saying?
Would anybody even care?
I may be living without knowing
I have only this life and with no spare.

More Patience and More Participation

I read one of my closests friend's Facebook post about some of her Visionboard dreams coming true. She had influenced me to create my own dreams and upon looking at them, hanging on the wall, framed and for me see everyday, I got a little sad but at the same time hopeful still.

With the many pictures there, I think most of them hadn't materialized yet. Although, in all honesty I am working on it, like the dream of having a better physique which I am doing everyday. Trying to have fun at work at the same time look for challenges to keep me motivated. Simply being happy. Well, the simple things. But the big dreams seemed a bit far. But I am still hopeful that in time, when the universe starts to work it's synchronocity in my life, everything will fall into place, everything will start to come true and everything in its perfect timing.

Also, I gave myself a reality check, maybe I am not giving my 100% participation, cause in order for all these to come into reality I must do my part by giving generously, loving in all honesty, living life and leaving no room for any negativities.

They say patience is a virtue and we were never really promised a rose garden, so we had to work on it. I am determined to work on it. It's just a matter of time.

Michael Buble` - Home

It is the season to be jolly, but I cannot truly feel the atmosphere of love and joy when I am so far from my family, my home, this Christmas time.

The sacrifice an OFW had to make just to give their loved-ones the life they deserve. I will be missing Christmas again this year with my family and friends, nevertheless, they'll always be with me, in my heart.

This song, aptly named HOME sang by a great singer Michael Buble, most probably sums up all the OFWs feel and those who are far away from home this Christmas. I know I did.

Where Are You Christmas?

Where are you Christmas?
Why can't I find you? Why have you gone away...
Where is that laughter you used to greet me
Why can't I hear music play..

It is the month of joy and laughters and gift giving, and yes I should be festive.
But in a country where it is not celebrated and when caught could land you in jail
how do we really get to feel the spirit? Yes it is cold, winter winds send chills all over...but where are the trimmings? Where are the music? Red and greens, dazzling lights, everyone's excitement and looking forward to parties and endless barrage of festivites?

Not here, I am not procratinating, I am just feeling a little empty. I used to love it when December comes, when I was very young. I get to have new clothes, new toys, I get to see and be with my cousins and overstuffing ourselves with food prepares by our mothers and aunts.

As I grow older, I get to lose that spirit.
I get more serious. My work fill most of my waking moments.
Right now am trying to find my purpose in life and what I needed to do, which makes me lose it really and then I heard this song "Where Are You Christmas" by Faith Hill and it struck me deep.

I told myself, hey, it is exactly what I am feeling.

My world is changing
I'm rearranging,
Does that mean Christmas
Changes too..

I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you had let me go...

And I find myself crying once again. I searched deep inside and think about what Christmas really is all about, sounds a cliche' but I realized that the memories I had enjoying Christmas as a child never did left me. It is here inside my heart.
I can always go back into that moment and relive it in me.

I can always feel the joy and love I had each childhood Christmas I had, and that's the most important thing.

Amidst the culture and the loneliness I feel here in the Middle East away from every loved one I have, they will always be near, and I just need to close my eyes and see them in my mind and my heart will do the rest.

So finding myself does not mean losing some of those feelings and memories of the past. These can be our guide that as life unfolds itself, joy and happiness does not really leave us. Life is not as complicated as it comes, it's all in the mind.

The joy of Christmas, stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart, with love....