Falling In Love Again...With Myself

Sounds pathetic, but I assure you it is not, I have been single for the past 5 years, and no matter how I try, it really doesn't work out. So I stopped, for a while, and turned my attention to myself. I once saw a video blog that talks about how to have someone but really the message was that it really is better not having one. A bit confusing? Let me explain why.
I was so eager to have someone to have and hold because of some fears, and one is that I am afraid to be alone. But ironically, the best way to have someone is to be ok with NOT having one.In other words, I need to be my own someone because the more I will love myself the easier for me to have that special one. Well no one is really completely that "in love" with themselves, but the closer we get to that ideal the easier it is to share that love with another person.

So if I want someone, I need to turn to myself inwards instead of looking around places and the net, and looking instead inside myself and cultivate that relationship I have with my being. So I asked myself some serious questions, "Why do I want to have someone so badly? Do I  feel incomplete when I am alone? Why? What is it that I seek with another that I myself don't have and why do I feel I don't have those things?"

The reality is I am a complete and whole person and whatever it is that I seek from another person whether, nurturing love and stability, I have all these inside myself. So I am contemplating on these things, I need to do something for myself, maybe go out on a date with myself, treat myself to a dinner, or coffee, a walk in the park, take outs, enjoy a movie, take long baths, and enjoy myself. Instead of looking at my lowtimes as something awful and terrible I should look at it as a really great gift that I could cherish. Maybe then interesting things may happen, I might become ok with being single, well in fact I might be more than OK and start to really enjoy it. Enjoying the company of myself maybe the most important relationship I could ever have in my life. The acceptance of being single breeds this tremendous air of confidence and love to people and relationships to people I meet and the relationships I make. Instead of coming across as insecure and desperate, and believe me there is nothing that's more unattractive than desperation, I might come across as someone grounded and secure in my being and that's really attractive. People might appreciate and respond to that, and when that happens that "seeking for someone"  thing will fall effortlessly into place if it's meant to be, and if it's not I'll be ok with that not happening because I would have loved and appreciated the relationship I have with myself.
Love ourselves, and as Rupaul would always say, "If you can't love yourself, how the hell you're gonna love somebody else? Can I get an amen up in here?"

That I Would Be Good

There will always be songs that when you hear will move you, that will touch the inner part of you and send your emotions into a roller coaster ride. Most of these songs would define who you really are or how you are feeling at the moment. I call it sometimes as an answer to a whispered prayer. An immediate booster to a lowly heart, a comfort to a lonely soul.
I viewed a friend's profile in Facebook because to greet him as it was his birthday, and he had this short video of pictures of himself all these years and in the background was a song playing, the picture show and the song go together perfectly that it tugs my heartrings and made me teary eyed. It was sang by a great artist of the 90's Alanis Morrisette, who never fails to awe her fans with her "real life" songs, songs that comes from everyday experience and deep emotions, which made it more endearing. It was called "That I Would Be Good" and the moment I hear the words, it made me look back also into my life, where I had been and what I have become. Good thing I have a copy of the song in my IPod and I set it to play over and over as every time it makes me want to cry.
...That I would be good
Even if I did nothing
That I would be good
Even if I got a thumbs-down
That I would be good
If I got and stayed sick
That I would be good
Even if I gained ten pounds...
My life is full of let downs, disappointments and heartaches, from the people I care about to the people I meet each day. From my workplace, to the streets, even in my home. I struggle to find that happiness, for the feeling of being alright.
And I do, I only need to let go and look forward to a new start. Everyday is a new opportunity to become happy, to be ok, to be fine, to be good and I do try.
No matter what happens as long as I am strong at heart, I would be good, like the song goes, even when I feel like I am alone, I will be alright.
...That I would be loved
Even when I numb myself
That I would be good
Even when I'm overwhelmed
That I would be loved
Even when I was fuming
That I would be good
Even if I was clingy...
I feel that I am loved, even when sometimes I think I am not. There will always be somebody who cares. Even the baddest person is loved, even the most hated is loved. There will always be someone who looks up to you and in their eyes, a hero.
...That I would be good
Even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you...
And when at times when I am alone, I could still be good, cause the most important thing is that I can always stand up every time I fall down. I have the power and wisdom to pull myself together, pick up the pieces and rebuild my life again; that loving myself is the best thing I can do to me, as Rupaul would always say "If you can't love yourself, how the hell you're gonna love somebody else?" Can I get an amen up in here?