Shocking right? It's been enslaving me for as far as I can remember. It got me to a lot of situation that is never ok, that sometimes when I am feeling sober or momentarily free from it, it still follows me. It haunts me. It drags me down.
Yes it gives me joy, I am so in need of it that however fleeting, I'll take it.
I need to rehabilitate myself, will not be that easy, but I need to try. I must try for my sake. One thing though, I hope it's not too late, and if it is. I have the rest of my life to make up for it.
I would like to start on a clean slate this year and maybe it would turn out better.
There were many wasted opportunities to do things, but I never pursued them.
I recalled this year's resolutions and none stuck out. I'd only start but never got to finished, not only one but actually a lot and am not proud of it.
I've been trying to find myself, to bring out my inner self for the past several months now. Hoping that it would help but it's a struggle. It's a war between my soul and my ego, a clash between my body and mind, my heart and my addiction. Choosing between God and the Devil. Because of this, everything I do is always under my own scrutiny, my own evaluation, did I do right? did I do wrong? will doing it like this be benefial or should I do it the other way around?
Will the words I say can cause harm? How can I help? How, why, what, where, when!
My spiritual teacher had told me that the path towards the inner self is never easy, and also never hard. One had to only believe and let go of what's holding one back.
To let our soul guide us by tuning into what it is telling us through listening to our hearts. My heart is crying out loud, but I can barely hear it because of my cluttered mind and restless ego. He also told me of a hope, that all these are but a part of breaking down the walls I have built around me, breaking down of a bondage in order to let myself free. Free from this addiction, free from guilt, from my ego-self.
I know I am a good person, in my own definition. I always accept whatever life throws at me without any complains, thinking that I deserve them. If it is something
nice, then I take it as I did good at one point, and if it happens to bring loneliness, dishearten feeling, then I might have done the other.
I think I need some help, this time. I never asked for help. I always rely on myself that I am my own person and that I can handle and control this addiction.
I feel I am living a double life, and it is not right. But first, I need to help myself before I let anyone in. Dig deeper at the roots of this thing that blocks the positive energies from coming. I need to be stronger this time.
I am an addict, am not proud of it. But I accept it as a part of me, that to live through it, and succeed in living without is to find my true self, How I am suppose to be, Who I am, What I am here for, Where I am to be and When it will be.
New Year, brings new hope, new chance and a new start.
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